Why am I doing this?

"You're not that big." "You carry it so well." "You're so tall, you don't look that size."

That's what I hear. Every day. When people wonder why I'm going through with this surgery. So let me try to explain.

I am not comfortable and I can not stop. I eat until I hurt, almost as if it's my last meal. It's disgusting really. I have gained so much weight, it hurts to breathe. I can't stand to look in the mirror. But I can't make the changes needed without surgical intervention. There's a part of me that's actually looking forward to the liquid diet, my body needs it at this point. Of course, ask me about it on day 2 and I'm sure I'll have a different outlook for you.

I'm tired. Before I had the lapband removed earlier this year, I was tired and didn't feel good. The same is true now. I'm looking for a healthy, happy balance. And I know this will help me tremendously. Coby wants me to play. I have to go to ball games and band concerts and work and and and....and I just don't have the energy to carry myself there.

I'm ugly. I don't care what you say. This is how I feel. I have always struggled with my self esteem as I feel it is attached to the way I look. The only time I'm confident is when I'm being a mom. That...that I am good at. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder if the boys' friends and teachers are thinking, "Gosh, Coby/Chaston's mom has gotten so big. She used to be so pretty." I remember when Chaston was younger, like around Coby's age...he said, "I want you to lose weight so you can be skinny and pretty and get me a new daddy." This baby had no idea he had just tapped in to one of my darkest issues and hurt me. I would never tell him that, but I remember that like it was yesterday. If I were skinny, I could find a man, have more friends, be a better person and my family would be happier. I know these are lies Satan is having a field day planting in my brain. I've gotten better with this issue, but it's still there.

I don't want my kids to think fat is healthy. I can't have them look at me and think that if I can have a successful life as obese, then they can too. It's not healthy and I intend to be the best me for them.

Surgery isn't for everyone, that's why not everyone chooses it. Just like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Crossfit, etc isn't for everyone. You have to find the option that works for you and be awesome at it. And this is the direction I'm headed....to be awesome! That's why!

Footnote: I'm not tall. I'm 5'6"....okay, I'm really 5'5 and a half"....please don't forget that "and a half." I really need it.