It's time for a new blog post and I have so many thoughts swirling through my head, that I hope I can somehow put them here in some coherent form.
Let's look at the past few weeks strictly on a number and dramatized reaction to said numbers basis:
1/12/15 -- Lost 10 pounds
Reaction: WOOHOO!
1/19/15 -- Lost 0 pounds
Reaction: Huh?
1/26/15 -- Lost nada pounds
Reaction: Is this thing working?!
2/2/15 -- Lost zip, zilch, zero pounds
Reaction: Went and bought a new scale thinking old scale has become senile and stubborn in its old age. No such luck, reads exactly the same as the old scale. Boxed new one back up and returned to store.
2/6/15 -- Lost 3 pounds
Reaction: It's about gosh darn time! But only THREE?!?! Seriously?!? And now I fear that this was a fluke and those 3 pounds, and then some, will creep back on by next weigh in.
So one month in and I'm down a whopping 13 pounds and I'm not exactly thrilled with this. My expectations so far have not been met, at all! Are my expectations unrealistic? I have no idea. I didn't think so based on my research and visiting with others who had this procedure done. But now I question everything I ever thought about my potential success.
One major issue that this lack of weight loss has caused: my fashionista needs are not being met! I stopped buying clothes a month before the surgery, knowing I wouldn't be this size for much longer. I have 2 pairs of jeans, one dress, and a handful of tops that fit. Thank goodness for tights and leggings that I can kind of switch up the looks. But it's so frustrating!
I just knew in my heart that I would be down at least one size by now. Nope. I keep pulling out jeans and trying them on, crossing my fingers that maybe they'll button. Nope.
People keep asking how I'm doing, looking for an update. I respond, "I'm feeling great. All healed up," avoiding the subject of weight loss. What I want to say is, "OMG! I can't believe I just went through all this for NOTHING! I feel fine, but I am still FAT!" But I don't want to scare people off, so I just answer with my canned response and come here to vent and cry and stomp my fingers.
I have logged everything I eat in the MyFitnessPal app on my phone. I have anywhere from 600 to 800 calories a day. I have yet to eat over 1000 calories and very rarely get up to 900. I also take in about 70 grams of protein (60 is the recommended by the nutritionist). I have done this, not only to keep myself in check, but also to show the doctor and/or nutritionist when I have my 6 week follow up next week. I am praying that they will be able to show or tell me what I'm doing wrong or offer some reassurances that I am on the right track and the weight will start magically falling off.
I had my first weekend at home since the surgery without the boys a couple weekends ago. It was the longest weekend of my life. Here's where it gets difficult for a binge eater...being alone with no one to judge or stop your addictive lifestyle (more about this in a future blog post...contrary to popular belief anorexia and bulimia are not the only eating disorders). Those alone weekends, I would eat and eat and eat, hoping at some point I would just get full or fill that empty hole that needs filling. And there was no one there to see, which means it didn't happen, right? Wrong, I know.
But my first alone weekend was a success. I did very well. Well....I didn't hardly leave the house and spent lots of time just sitting and watching tv and watching the clock til an acceptable time to go to bed so that I wouldn't be tempted to gorge myself. So I battled the demons that weekend and won. I felt like that should have earned a 5 pound weight loss right there. But nope. I will battle this demon every day and every weekend. Food is my heroin.
This is just exhausting.
I just hope something happens sooner rather than later. This is all I think about. This is all I talk about. This is all I dream about while tossing and turning, fretting that I will be the one who can not lose weight like this. That all of this was for nothing.
Sorry for such a Debbie Downer of a blog post, but this is real life folks. And since day one, I promised that I would be brutally honest...not just with you, but also with myself. If there is just one person that reads this and it helps them to feel like they're not alone in their journey, then I have achieved the purpose of this blog.
Thanks for reading....
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Why am I not a size 10 yet? I'll settle for a 12....
Two weeks later and I'm wondering how am I still fat?! I can gain 20 pounds in a week, but I can't lose it that fast? IT'S NOT FAIR!!! Yes, I'm stomping my feet and waving my fists in the air, much like a petulant child that was told "no" when asking for a quarter at the bubble gum machine.
Ok, now that THAT is out of the way....where do I begin?
What a long, but speedy, 2 weeks. Gosh that makes no sense, but that's what it has been.
My surgery went fine, got a little hernia repair along with the sleeve. I will say right off the bat....that was painful. Had it not been for that little booger, it might not have been the worst thing I've ever experienced. My doc warned me that the day after surgery I would hate him and ask why did I ever let him do this to me. He wasn't kidding. I was also the lucky subject of a swallow test. This meant I had to transfer from my bed, to a stretcher, to a very VERY hard table (that would lift to a standing position and then made me turn on my sides), back to a stretcher, back to my bed....all less than 24 hours after he made SIX holes in my belly and ripped out a majority of my stomach and stitched/repaired a hernia in my belly button and had what felt like a 4 foot tube and drain dragging from my side.
Then to add insult to injury, my meals were served in medicine cups. Broth, water, tea...clear liquids...in a teeny tiny medicine cup. This for the girl that could put down an entire bag of salt & vinegar potato chips in about 10 minutes. But...I couldn't even get the broth, water, or tea down. YUCK! For several days after surgery, it was all I could do to drink a bottled water. And it would take all day to get that bottle down. But I did. Dr. Dean stressed how important staying hydrated was. He said the most common complication after surgery is dehydration. I was not going to be THAT statistic! So gurgle down the water as best I could and hope it stayed down!
Dramatic? Eh...would you expect anything less from me?
Walking...walking the halls made all the difference in recovery. I hated getting in and out of that hospital bed, but once I was out, I could move pretty good. Holding my gown in place, pushing my IV down the hall...I challenged another sleever to a race. Bless her heart, she was on day 2 (I was on day 3), and she had the dreaded case of "WHAT DID I DO?!" I told her to give it another 24 hours and she would feel better. She didn't much look like she believed me. LOL!
Thank goodness for my parents, once again, my hero parents deserve every award in the book for taking care of me, putting up with me, doctoring me, taxiing me...and all they did to help with my kids...I just can't say Thanks enough! Really, how do I nominate them for sainthood? I could have statues commissioned. Mom would be holding a little sewing machine and coupons to JoAnns and Dad a baseball, camera, and bible. Wouldn't they be adorbs??
There was a night I decided to try to go to my house even though my parents asked me to stay with them a couple more nights. But with my hard head, I told them no, I could do it myself. When trying to get out of my super fluffy comfy recliner, I had to use way too much effort and it felt like a knife stabbing and ripping my abdomen. There I was stuck on the edge of the recliner. I couldn't get up, I couldn't move back. I hollered for Chaston who came running and found me in tears. I told him I couldn't move. I quote him: "Well mom, what's your options here? You just gonna sit like that all night?" And then he gave me a look that is one that will work wonders on his children when they say they can't do something. Hmph! So back to my parents we went for a couple more nights.
Now I'm not one to wallow in the pain and misery. Surgery on Tuesday...but mommy duty called on Saturday. So up and ready I got, time for a basketball game and a walk around the mall to try to get stronger. I lasted about 4 hours. Then done. So tired and sore. I tried to move around every day, but some days I just couldn't muster the energy. And those days I didn't move, I could tell. I would get very sore and harder to get up and down.
Okay, enough about all the pain...it goes away....eventually. On to the food stuffs...
Clear liquids. They suck. Here are a couple of tips: the veggie/tortilla soup from Casa Ole. Ask for as little veggies and as runny as possible. Delightful after only having survived through broth and Gatorade. Lipton's noodle soup...but leave out the noodles. While it might look like chicken broth, it does have some seasoning and flavor to it. With both of these soups (one order of Casa Ole and one packet of noodle soup) will last you the whole week. Because ain't much going down folks. And in the early days, every sip you take, you can hear go all the way down the hatch. Gurgle, gurgle...
Full liquids was the hardest week for me. This bumps up the options to protein shakes, cream soups, and pudding. I found a great chocolate cheesecake protein pudding that really helped with this stage. Also, Jason's Deli tomato basil soup was great (the best way to have this is at home after putting through the blender).
This week I'm on purees. I've found some good recipes on Pinterest, the best being Ricotta Bake. YUMMO! And of course tuna salad, crab salad, chicken salad, refried beans...whatever you can put in a blender, food processor, or your Ninja (like me!). But be warned...ain't not much going down! I've said it before and I'll say it again, the sleeve is doing its job!
The hardest part....the head stuff...the habit stuff. The sleeve does not take away the desire for snacking, munching when you're not supposed to. You know what I'm talking about...that up and down, hand to mouth motion, picking up a chip...bringing it to my mouth, crunch, munch...oh so good. I have NOT done this. Dr. Dean has done a great job of scaring me on the eating stages, enough so that I won't be jumping ahead and am happy with my purees, but only at meal time! When I feel the need to snack, I get a shake or water and let that try to fill that need for hand to mouth motion. This is where I pray for healing the most. The head stuff.
Now weight wise. I lost 5 pounds on the preop diet. I lost 10 pounds the week after surgery. And nothing since then. Nothing. Zero. Nada. I know I wasn't going to lose 50 pounds, but SOMETHING to show that this was all worth it. I didn't do much of anything last week, really just sat around the house while the boys were at school. I'm thinking...and hoping....that this did not help the situation. I went back to work today and that was the most active thing I've done in 2 weeks. I hope and pray as I move more and recover that the weight will start dropping. I can't have gone from eating like a disgusting pig to a tiny infant and not see results! This can't have been for nothing. I won't allow it.
So that's it. Whew...it was a lot, huh?
One more thing before I sign off....thank you. Thank you to all of you who texted, messaged, prayed, offered assistance with the boys. I love you all so much and can't imagine having done this without your support and acceptance and love. I'm overwhelmed...and a little verklempt over it all...talk amongst yourselves....sniff, sniff...
Can't wait to see what the rest of this crazy ride serves up...BRING IT!
Ok, now that THAT is out of the way....where do I begin?
What a long, but speedy, 2 weeks. Gosh that makes no sense, but that's what it has been.
My surgery went fine, got a little hernia repair along with the sleeve. I will say right off the bat....that was painful. Had it not been for that little booger, it might not have been the worst thing I've ever experienced. My doc warned me that the day after surgery I would hate him and ask why did I ever let him do this to me. He wasn't kidding. I was also the lucky subject of a swallow test. This meant I had to transfer from my bed, to a stretcher, to a very VERY hard table (that would lift to a standing position and then made me turn on my sides), back to a stretcher, back to my bed....all less than 24 hours after he made SIX holes in my belly and ripped out a majority of my stomach and stitched/repaired a hernia in my belly button and had what felt like a 4 foot tube and drain dragging from my side.
Then to add insult to injury, my meals were served in medicine cups. Broth, water, tea...clear liquids...in a teeny tiny medicine cup. This for the girl that could put down an entire bag of salt & vinegar potato chips in about 10 minutes. But...I couldn't even get the broth, water, or tea down. YUCK! For several days after surgery, it was all I could do to drink a bottled water. And it would take all day to get that bottle down. But I did. Dr. Dean stressed how important staying hydrated was. He said the most common complication after surgery is dehydration. I was not going to be THAT statistic! So gurgle down the water as best I could and hope it stayed down!
Dramatic? Eh...would you expect anything less from me?
Walking...walking the halls made all the difference in recovery. I hated getting in and out of that hospital bed, but once I was out, I could move pretty good. Holding my gown in place, pushing my IV down the hall...I challenged another sleever to a race. Bless her heart, she was on day 2 (I was on day 3), and she had the dreaded case of "WHAT DID I DO?!" I told her to give it another 24 hours and she would feel better. She didn't much look like she believed me. LOL!
Thank goodness for my parents, once again, my hero parents deserve every award in the book for taking care of me, putting up with me, doctoring me, taxiing me...and all they did to help with my kids...I just can't say Thanks enough! Really, how do I nominate them for sainthood? I could have statues commissioned. Mom would be holding a little sewing machine and coupons to JoAnns and Dad a baseball, camera, and bible. Wouldn't they be adorbs??
There was a night I decided to try to go to my house even though my parents asked me to stay with them a couple more nights. But with my hard head, I told them no, I could do it myself. When trying to get out of my super fluffy comfy recliner, I had to use way too much effort and it felt like a knife stabbing and ripping my abdomen. There I was stuck on the edge of the recliner. I couldn't get up, I couldn't move back. I hollered for Chaston who came running and found me in tears. I told him I couldn't move. I quote him: "Well mom, what's your options here? You just gonna sit like that all night?" And then he gave me a look that is one that will work wonders on his children when they say they can't do something. Hmph! So back to my parents we went for a couple more nights.
Now I'm not one to wallow in the pain and misery. Surgery on Tuesday...but mommy duty called on Saturday. So up and ready I got, time for a basketball game and a walk around the mall to try to get stronger. I lasted about 4 hours. Then done. So tired and sore. I tried to move around every day, but some days I just couldn't muster the energy. And those days I didn't move, I could tell. I would get very sore and harder to get up and down.
Okay, enough about all the pain...it goes away....eventually. On to the food stuffs...
Clear liquids. They suck. Here are a couple of tips: the veggie/tortilla soup from Casa Ole. Ask for as little veggies and as runny as possible. Delightful after only having survived through broth and Gatorade. Lipton's noodle soup...but leave out the noodles. While it might look like chicken broth, it does have some seasoning and flavor to it. With both of these soups (one order of Casa Ole and one packet of noodle soup) will last you the whole week. Because ain't much going down folks. And in the early days, every sip you take, you can hear go all the way down the hatch. Gurgle, gurgle...
Full liquids was the hardest week for me. This bumps up the options to protein shakes, cream soups, and pudding. I found a great chocolate cheesecake protein pudding that really helped with this stage. Also, Jason's Deli tomato basil soup was great (the best way to have this is at home after putting through the blender).
This week I'm on purees. I've found some good recipes on Pinterest, the best being Ricotta Bake. YUMMO! And of course tuna salad, crab salad, chicken salad, refried beans...whatever you can put in a blender, food processor, or your Ninja (like me!). But be warned...ain't not much going down! I've said it before and I'll say it again, the sleeve is doing its job!
The hardest part....the head stuff...the habit stuff. The sleeve does not take away the desire for snacking, munching when you're not supposed to. You know what I'm talking about...that up and down, hand to mouth motion, picking up a chip...bringing it to my mouth, crunch, munch...oh so good. I have NOT done this. Dr. Dean has done a great job of scaring me on the eating stages, enough so that I won't be jumping ahead and am happy with my purees, but only at meal time! When I feel the need to snack, I get a shake or water and let that try to fill that need for hand to mouth motion. This is where I pray for healing the most. The head stuff.
Now weight wise. I lost 5 pounds on the preop diet. I lost 10 pounds the week after surgery. And nothing since then. Nothing. Zero. Nada. I know I wasn't going to lose 50 pounds, but SOMETHING to show that this was all worth it. I didn't do much of anything last week, really just sat around the house while the boys were at school. I'm thinking...and hoping....that this did not help the situation. I went back to work today and that was the most active thing I've done in 2 weeks. I hope and pray as I move more and recover that the weight will start dropping. I can't have gone from eating like a disgusting pig to a tiny infant and not see results! This can't have been for nothing. I won't allow it.
So that's it. Whew...it was a lot, huh?
One more thing before I sign off....thank you. Thank you to all of you who texted, messaged, prayed, offered assistance with the boys. I love you all so much and can't imagine having done this without your support and acceptance and love. I'm overwhelmed...and a little verklempt over it all...talk amongst yourselves....sniff, sniff...
Can't wait to see what the rest of this crazy ride serves up...BRING IT!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Why am I doing this?
"You're not that big." "You carry it so well." "You're so tall, you don't look that size."
That's what I hear. Every day. When people wonder why I'm going through with this surgery. So let me try to explain.
I am not comfortable and I can not stop. I eat until I hurt, almost as if it's my last meal. It's disgusting really. I have gained so much weight, it hurts to breathe. I can't stand to look in the mirror. But I can't make the changes needed without surgical intervention. There's a part of me that's actually looking forward to the liquid diet, my body needs it at this point. Of course, ask me about it on day 2 and I'm sure I'll have a different outlook for you.
I'm tired. Before I had the lapband removed earlier this year, I was tired and didn't feel good. The same is true now. I'm looking for a healthy, happy balance. And I know this will help me tremendously. Coby wants me to play. I have to go to ball games and band concerts and work and and and....and I just don't have the energy to carry myself there.
I'm ugly. I don't care what you say. This is how I feel. I have always struggled with my self esteem as I feel it is attached to the way I look. The only time I'm confident is when I'm being a mom. That...that I am good at. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder if the boys' friends and teachers are thinking, "Gosh, Coby/Chaston's mom has gotten so big. She used to be so pretty." I remember when Chaston was younger, like around Coby's age...he said, "I want you to lose weight so you can be skinny and pretty and get me a new daddy." This baby had no idea he had just tapped in to one of my darkest issues and hurt me. I would never tell him that, but I remember that like it was yesterday. If I were skinny, I could find a man, have more friends, be a better person and my family would be happier. I know these are lies Satan is having a field day planting in my brain. I've gotten better with this issue, but it's still there.
I don't want my kids to think fat is healthy. I can't have them look at me and think that if I can have a successful life as obese, then they can too. It's not healthy and I intend to be the best me for them.
Surgery isn't for everyone, that's why not everyone chooses it. Just like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Crossfit, etc isn't for everyone. You have to find the option that works for you and be awesome at it. And this is the direction I'm headed....to be awesome! That's why!
Footnote: I'm not tall. I'm 5'6"....okay, I'm really 5'5 and a half"....please don't forget that "and a half." I really need it.
That's what I hear. Every day. When people wonder why I'm going through with this surgery. So let me try to explain.
I am not comfortable and I can not stop. I eat until I hurt, almost as if it's my last meal. It's disgusting really. I have gained so much weight, it hurts to breathe. I can't stand to look in the mirror. But I can't make the changes needed without surgical intervention. There's a part of me that's actually looking forward to the liquid diet, my body needs it at this point. Of course, ask me about it on day 2 and I'm sure I'll have a different outlook for you.
I'm tired. Before I had the lapband removed earlier this year, I was tired and didn't feel good. The same is true now. I'm looking for a healthy, happy balance. And I know this will help me tremendously. Coby wants me to play. I have to go to ball games and band concerts and work and and and....and I just don't have the energy to carry myself there.
I'm ugly. I don't care what you say. This is how I feel. I have always struggled with my self esteem as I feel it is attached to the way I look. The only time I'm confident is when I'm being a mom. That...that I am good at. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder if the boys' friends and teachers are thinking, "Gosh, Coby/Chaston's mom has gotten so big. She used to be so pretty." I remember when Chaston was younger, like around Coby's age...he said, "I want you to lose weight so you can be skinny and pretty and get me a new daddy." This baby had no idea he had just tapped in to one of my darkest issues and hurt me. I would never tell him that, but I remember that like it was yesterday. If I were skinny, I could find a man, have more friends, be a better person and my family would be happier. I know these are lies Satan is having a field day planting in my brain. I've gotten better with this issue, but it's still there.
I don't want my kids to think fat is healthy. I can't have them look at me and think that if I can have a successful life as obese, then they can too. It's not healthy and I intend to be the best me for them.
Surgery isn't for everyone, that's why not everyone chooses it. Just like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Crossfit, etc isn't for everyone. You have to find the option that works for you and be awesome at it. And this is the direction I'm headed....to be awesome! That's why!
Footnote: I'm not tall. I'm 5'6"....okay, I'm really 5'5 and a half"....please don't forget that "and a half." I really need it.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
January 6, 2015: The day I start alllll over
FINALLY got the phone call to schedule my gastric sleeve surgery! I had asked for a date at the first of the year. Unfortunately, he couldn't do January 1. Go figure. So I'll take his first available date of January 6, first surgery of the day. Thank you very much!
I will meet with Dr. Dean on the December 29th and take the Diet Class (to get pre and post op diet instructions) on December 31. Because my BMI isn't THAT high, all things being relative I guess, I will only have to do a one week pre op diet. So yay for that! It's all going to happen so quickly, but I'm happy that I get to enjoy the Christmas festivities (which means food in my language) before starting my new journey.
My first surgery (Lap Band) was January something 2010. So almost exactly 5 years later, here I go again. Fairly weird that my blog title is "Stopping the Roller Coaster Ride" when that's all this has been...one big loopty loop and bumpy mess! Especially this year!
January of this year I weighed in around 195, about 50 pounds down from when I had the initial surgery. In June when I had the LB removed, I weighed in at a very unhealthy, dehydrated, anemic 137. Now at this surgery, I'm starting out at....ok, here it goes...deep breath....about 215. I hate that I said I would be honest through this entire process. Sheesh! 2014 was an emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting year to say the least. But it's time for something new and different, some great opportunities and challenges are ahead for 2015 and I can't wait!
I did just place an order for some plus size sweaters and jeans, not knowing how far in to the new year my surgery would be. I will be returning all that and continue looking longingly at the piles of jeans in my room ranging in sizes from 9-14. That should see me through for a while...maybe....but I'm sure I'll get the urge to go shopping soon enough.
So watch for updates and information of my newest journey into bariatric surgery. Good times ahead!!
I will meet with Dr. Dean on the December 29th and take the Diet Class (to get pre and post op diet instructions) on December 31. Because my BMI isn't THAT high, all things being relative I guess, I will only have to do a one week pre op diet. So yay for that! It's all going to happen so quickly, but I'm happy that I get to enjoy the Christmas festivities (which means food in my language) before starting my new journey.
My first surgery (Lap Band) was January something 2010. So almost exactly 5 years later, here I go again. Fairly weird that my blog title is "Stopping the Roller Coaster Ride" when that's all this has been...one big loopty loop and bumpy mess! Especially this year!
January of this year I weighed in around 195, about 50 pounds down from when I had the initial surgery. In June when I had the LB removed, I weighed in at a very unhealthy, dehydrated, anemic 137. Now at this surgery, I'm starting out at....ok, here it goes...deep breath....about 215. I hate that I said I would be honest through this entire process. Sheesh! 2014 was an emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting year to say the least. But it's time for something new and different, some great opportunities and challenges are ahead for 2015 and I can't wait!
I did just place an order for some plus size sweaters and jeans, not knowing how far in to the new year my surgery would be. I will be returning all that and continue looking longingly at the piles of jeans in my room ranging in sizes from 9-14. That should see me through for a while...maybe....but I'm sure I'll get the urge to go shopping soon enough.
So watch for updates and information of my newest journey into bariatric surgery. Good times ahead!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
This is life...real life
So all that talk about how I'm going to eat healthy and not gain much of the weight back and I'm in control...well that was just a load of hogwash. I tried low carb, like super low carb, less than 20 grams a day. Uh, that's hard...and expensive. Especially when you're also trying to feed 2 very picky, hungry boys. I did it for a few weeks with no results, other than gaining weight. So I just decided to do portion control, just not go hog wild and eat everything in site. Still bringing my home made salads for lunch, my protein shakes for breakfast...still gaining weight.
This is an absolutely amazing phenomenon to me. I lost about 60 pounds in 7 months. I've gained 50 in 2. Seriously. Not kidding. I started off this year in a size 16, was in an 8 when I had my LB removed at the end of June, back up to a 14. That fast. I am seriously gaining weight while I sleep, and breathe, and blink. I work out 3-4 times a week and this is doing nothing for me. My dad says I need to eat less or exercise more. I could exercise more, but who wants to do that? And eat less? Yeah, I could do that too.
What is my freaking problem? I think I'm just genetically predisposed to being fat. And I'm not okay with that, but can't spend hours in the gym and can't put the junk food down.
And why can't I be ok with being fat? With being obese? Why can't I accept me for WHO I am...not what I LOOK like...not for what size dress I wear?
And every day I notice little comments people make, or don't make. I used to hear every day how awesome I look, how thin I'm getting. Now I get comments like, "You look healthy today." HEALTHY? To me, that's someone saying I've filled out, put on some weight. Thanks for pointing that out! Or my favorite...I mentioned I had been cooking and someone said, "Really, 'cause it looks like you've been eating." I was stunned, especially since it was in a room full of people. You could feel the air get sucked out of the room. They tried to cover for him since I was brushing crumbs off my hand, that's what he meant. Doesn't matter, I will twist it to fit my sick little brain that thinks all comments are somehow directed at me being fat.
And I'm so self conscious. If people just look at me, I just know they're evaluating how much weight I've gained. They're thinking, "Oh, there's go Chrysta getting fat again."
I hate that I had the LB removed. Hate it. I felt like crap, but darn it, I looked good. Sheesh! What is wrong with my brain?! One of the reasons I had it taken out was my boyfriend hated how sick I was...that we couldn't have a meal together, I was always feeling tired. Whoops...lost the boyfriend. Now I'm fat and single. Just how I started this year. Amazing. Fantastic.
I have another follow up with Dr. Dean on Oct. 11. He seems to think that me checking in with him will help me keep a good weight. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I will be scheduling my surgery for the sleeve during that appointment.
This is not where you preach to me YOUR way of eating. YOUR lifestyle. Don't want to hear it. Don't need to hear it. Don't waste your breath. This is me and this is how I'm going to do it.
Bitter? Angry? Me? Nah....just being honest. I promised I would keep this blog real, that I would be honest about how this process is working out for me, not working out for me. The highs, the lows. And this is it. This is me. All 190 pounds of me.
This is an absolutely amazing phenomenon to me. I lost about 60 pounds in 7 months. I've gained 50 in 2. Seriously. Not kidding. I started off this year in a size 16, was in an 8 when I had my LB removed at the end of June, back up to a 14. That fast. I am seriously gaining weight while I sleep, and breathe, and blink. I work out 3-4 times a week and this is doing nothing for me. My dad says I need to eat less or exercise more. I could exercise more, but who wants to do that? And eat less? Yeah, I could do that too.
What is my freaking problem? I think I'm just genetically predisposed to being fat. And I'm not okay with that, but can't spend hours in the gym and can't put the junk food down.
And why can't I be ok with being fat? With being obese? Why can't I accept me for WHO I am...not what I LOOK like...not for what size dress I wear?
And every day I notice little comments people make, or don't make. I used to hear every day how awesome I look, how thin I'm getting. Now I get comments like, "You look healthy today." HEALTHY? To me, that's someone saying I've filled out, put on some weight. Thanks for pointing that out! Or my favorite...I mentioned I had been cooking and someone said, "Really, 'cause it looks like you've been eating." I was stunned, especially since it was in a room full of people. You could feel the air get sucked out of the room. They tried to cover for him since I was brushing crumbs off my hand, that's what he meant. Doesn't matter, I will twist it to fit my sick little brain that thinks all comments are somehow directed at me being fat.
And I'm so self conscious. If people just look at me, I just know they're evaluating how much weight I've gained. They're thinking, "Oh, there's go Chrysta getting fat again."
I hate that I had the LB removed. Hate it. I felt like crap, but darn it, I looked good. Sheesh! What is wrong with my brain?! One of the reasons I had it taken out was my boyfriend hated how sick I was...that we couldn't have a meal together, I was always feeling tired. Whoops...lost the boyfriend. Now I'm fat and single. Just how I started this year. Amazing. Fantastic.
I have another follow up with Dr. Dean on Oct. 11. He seems to think that me checking in with him will help me keep a good weight. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I will be scheduling my surgery for the sleeve during that appointment.
This is not where you preach to me YOUR way of eating. YOUR lifestyle. Don't want to hear it. Don't need to hear it. Don't waste your breath. This is me and this is how I'm going to do it.
Bitter? Angry? Me? Nah....just being honest. I promised I would keep this blog real, that I would be honest about how this process is working out for me, not working out for me. The highs, the lows. And this is it. This is me. All 190 pounds of me.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Post Surgery Redux
Well, it's been almost a week since the surgery to have LB taken out. I have to say...I don't miss it one bit...yet. Just a little bit of honesty thrown in there.
Oh the sweet joy of being able to eat and drink and not make multiple trips to the restroom to throw up! Being able to sit in hour long meetings at work and not worry about every sip of water not making it down and needing to excuse myself. Knowing that I will be able to go on our planned trip to the beach this week and not starve myself because there is just no place to vomit discreetly out there. It's the little things, folks!
So surgery day...well...it was eventful to say the least. My family and friends know how to bring the party to a tiny room. Since I couldn't eat or drink anything since midnight the night before, and I wasn't taken back to surgery til well after 3 PM, I was starving! But they all kept me preoccupied and in giggles. And I'm sure they will tell you that no one can rock a gown, JiffyPop hat, compression hose, and a smile like I can. Ha!
Some of the most memorable post-surgery events (of which I had to be told about):
1. This one I remember -- when I woke up in recovery, the man next to me who was also coming out of his anesthesia, apparently had a full bladder and he let everyone know. The nurses kept telling him he had a catheter and he could pee any time he wanted. Finally one nurse just told him to LET IT GO! Which of course....led to them bursting in to the famous Frozen song....hey, at least they have fun at their jobs.
2. When I was going under the effect of Versad, Jason and Chaston were talking about what dreams I might have. These included rainbows, unicorns, Channing Tatum, and Ken Caminiti. Somehow Caminiti became the rainbow. In a haze, I mumbled, "Hmmm...taste the rainbow."
3. Chaston took a selfie with me after surgery, while I was still out of it. I woke up just in time to catch him. My drug induced glare scared him, and most everyone else. I must try to replicate this look for future use.
4. I think this is everyone's favorite! They wanted me to wake up after surgery so we could get going home. Jason asked Coby how he usually wakes me up. Coby said he tickles me....he was told this wasn't a good idea and to come up with a different suggestion. After thinking for a bit, he came up with a great idea! "I could wipe a booger on her face!" Thankfully, they didn't let him do that either!
Okay...so that was all the fun part. Now to the actual surgery stuff. When I showed up the day of surgery, I had lost another 5+ pounds since the Monday before when I had my pre-op lab work done. I was sick folks. I was exhausted, my head hurt, I was freezing all the time. I still can't believe I had let this go on as long as I had. Wait....yes I can. I was able to gorge and binge on anything and everything I wanted and the weight just peeled off!
But I knew I was finally doing the right thing, for me, for my kids...no matter my size and weight.
Dr. Dean said it went pretty much as he expected and my stomach was, well, it was a mess. He had to "manipulate" me back into shape. I have no idea what this means and can't wait to get more of an explanation at my post op visit with him next week. All I know is that I was more sore and sick after this surgery than when getting LB put in. I'm still a bit achy and feel like I've done 2340293848 sit ups, but it gets better every day.
And the energy I have now is pretty cool! I got home from work last night and cooked supper, played with Coby, did some laundry, and played with Coby some more. I can't wait to translate this in the gym! I think by next week, I'll be able to get on the treadmill or elliptical and get some work in.
The only drawback...I have to pee like alllll the time! This is a new sensation for me from the past 6 months. I would maybe go twice a day....now it feels like every 15 minutes. Especially with all the water I drink. Good to know I didn't lose any kidney function through the whole ordeal. LOL!
The hard part has begun though. I have already gained 12 pounds. That's 12 pounds in 6 days. I knew this would happen. I mean it had to. But I want it to stop here. I have stocked my fridge with low carb, healthy, easy to cook options. But there are still a few bad things that call my name at night. I need to remember that I can't eat everything I want and lose weight anymore. This isn't the Battle of the Bulge...this is a Battle of the Brain!
I am so blessed to be surrounded by positive and supportive friends and family who have loved me through this and will love me past it. I could not have survived this without all of them taking care of me and praying for me and offering support. If ever I throw a pity party and whine about not being loved, someone knock me upside the head.
XOXOXOXOX!!!!
Oh the sweet joy of being able to eat and drink and not make multiple trips to the restroom to throw up! Being able to sit in hour long meetings at work and not worry about every sip of water not making it down and needing to excuse myself. Knowing that I will be able to go on our planned trip to the beach this week and not starve myself because there is just no place to vomit discreetly out there. It's the little things, folks!
So surgery day...well...it was eventful to say the least. My family and friends know how to bring the party to a tiny room. Since I couldn't eat or drink anything since midnight the night before, and I wasn't taken back to surgery til well after 3 PM, I was starving! But they all kept me preoccupied and in giggles. And I'm sure they will tell you that no one can rock a gown, JiffyPop hat, compression hose, and a smile like I can. Ha!
Some of the most memorable post-surgery events (of which I had to be told about):
1. This one I remember -- when I woke up in recovery, the man next to me who was also coming out of his anesthesia, apparently had a full bladder and he let everyone know. The nurses kept telling him he had a catheter and he could pee any time he wanted. Finally one nurse just told him to LET IT GO! Which of course....led to them bursting in to the famous Frozen song....hey, at least they have fun at their jobs.
2. When I was going under the effect of Versad, Jason and Chaston were talking about what dreams I might have. These included rainbows, unicorns, Channing Tatum, and Ken Caminiti. Somehow Caminiti became the rainbow. In a haze, I mumbled, "Hmmm...taste the rainbow."
3. Chaston took a selfie with me after surgery, while I was still out of it. I woke up just in time to catch him. My drug induced glare scared him, and most everyone else. I must try to replicate this look for future use.
4. I think this is everyone's favorite! They wanted me to wake up after surgery so we could get going home. Jason asked Coby how he usually wakes me up. Coby said he tickles me....he was told this wasn't a good idea and to come up with a different suggestion. After thinking for a bit, he came up with a great idea! "I could wipe a booger on her face!" Thankfully, they didn't let him do that either!
Okay...so that was all the fun part. Now to the actual surgery stuff. When I showed up the day of surgery, I had lost another 5+ pounds since the Monday before when I had my pre-op lab work done. I was sick folks. I was exhausted, my head hurt, I was freezing all the time. I still can't believe I had let this go on as long as I had. Wait....yes I can. I was able to gorge and binge on anything and everything I wanted and the weight just peeled off!
But I knew I was finally doing the right thing, for me, for my kids...no matter my size and weight.
Dr. Dean said it went pretty much as he expected and my stomach was, well, it was a mess. He had to "manipulate" me back into shape. I have no idea what this means and can't wait to get more of an explanation at my post op visit with him next week. All I know is that I was more sore and sick after this surgery than when getting LB put in. I'm still a bit achy and feel like I've done 2340293848 sit ups, but it gets better every day.
And the energy I have now is pretty cool! I got home from work last night and cooked supper, played with Coby, did some laundry, and played with Coby some more. I can't wait to translate this in the gym! I think by next week, I'll be able to get on the treadmill or elliptical and get some work in.
The only drawback...I have to pee like alllll the time! This is a new sensation for me from the past 6 months. I would maybe go twice a day....now it feels like every 15 minutes. Especially with all the water I drink. Good to know I didn't lose any kidney function through the whole ordeal. LOL!
The hard part has begun though. I have already gained 12 pounds. That's 12 pounds in 6 days. I knew this would happen. I mean it had to. But I want it to stop here. I have stocked my fridge with low carb, healthy, easy to cook options. But there are still a few bad things that call my name at night. I need to remember that I can't eat everything I want and lose weight anymore. This isn't the Battle of the Bulge...this is a Battle of the Brain!
I am so blessed to be surrounded by positive and supportive friends and family who have loved me through this and will love me past it. I could not have survived this without all of them taking care of me and praying for me and offering support. If ever I throw a pity party and whine about not being loved, someone knock me upside the head.
XOXOXOXOX!!!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Ending...or starting...a new chapter?
Has it really been 18 months since I posted here? Wow! I guess I just didn't have anything that imporant to say...or I was just saying it in bits and pieces on Facebook. Oh that darn Facebook...what would we do without it? Anywho....time to update on my lapband drama. That's the reason I started this blog in the first place -- to talk about the ups and downs, highs and lows of dealing with having had bariatric surgery.
Well, here comes one big ginormous LOW! Come Wednesday, June 25, I will be losing my Lap-Buddy...it's coming out. And I have very very mixed emotions about this.
The LB drama started earlier this year. I can't pinpoint when exactly, but it was early January when I started struggling to keep anything down. I would have a good day mixed in with a few bad days during the early months. This means I would have a day or 2 where I could eat and actually get food to go down and stay down. But then I would have a week where nothing would go down and stay down. And when I say nothing...I mean NOTHING. No coffee, no water, no juice...N O T H I N G. As time went on, I had no good days. Maybe once every couple of weeks, I would have a random meal that would somehow miraculously go down. But that's it.
Before I knew it, my jeans didn't fit. And then people started commenting on me losing weight. Oh, wow. This is nice. And then it was like one day I woke up and I realized I had lost 40+ pounds which meant a total weight loss of 100 pounds since I started this journey!!
And then I hit 50 pounds down for the year and people were making comments like:
"You're melting away!"
"Hey skinny minnie!"
"You're gonna blow away if you get any thinner!"
All my life I have struggled with my weight and have never heard comments and received praise like this. All I wanted was to lay in these comments like fresh fallen snow and make skinny snow angels!
And all I have to do is eat whatever I want and it all just comes back up! Amazing! The downside was when people would want to know what my weight loss "secret" was. I couldn't very well tell them I was throwing up everything, could I? My canned responses were:
"Oh, you know I had lapband surgery a few years ago, I just decided it was time to make it work for me!"
"I just quit eating my 2 Bell friends...Blue and Taco!"
"I just watch what I eat...and no soft drinks!"
Crazy people believed me! Well...some did. My boss totally busted me after a work dinner one night when she called me out on how many times I went to the restroom. I did have one person ask how much Taco Bell had I been eating that once I stopped eating it, I was able to drop this much weight. Uhhh....????
So I let it go on...and on...and on...for months. Finally I just started getting tired of it. My family was tired of me throwing up all the time. My boyfriend (EEK! I have a boyfriend now!!! lol) hated that we couldn't go out and enjoy a meal together without me up and down to the bathroom. I had some bloodwork done and I was anemic. I'm tired and listless all the time. I'm soooooo thirsty! I get it! I'm not healthy. I look great...but my insides are messed up. And I could tell that my brain was getting just as wonky. All I cared about was being skinny...who cares how I got there?
I finally called Dr. Dean and asked to have a bit of an unfill. Didn't work. Went back and had it completely unfilled, totally emptied. Didn't work. That's when I knew I was in serious trouble.
When I went back to see Dr. Dean and told him the total empty band still wouldn't allow me to eat or drink anything, he just shook his head and said, "You know where this is going, don't you?" And I did...I knew the LB was coming out. Turns out, my LB has slipped...or rather my stomach has pushed up through the LB. He made me do a barium swallow and I was able to see just how bad it was. And there's no easy fix. He said it's not like a belt that you can just loosen, pull the stomach back through, and then tighten back up. There's too much irritation, inflammation, scar tissue. The LB has to come out.
I asked about having a revision to the Sleeve. Nope. Again...too much damage to my stomach right now. He would consider doing it in 6-9 months from now, after I've had time to heal and recover from this trauma. I don't know if I will pursue that though.
So here we go. Can I maintain this weight loss? I don't think so. I have many many friends and family that think I can. But my Debbie Downer brain tells me no. If I could, then I wouldn't have needed weight loss surgery to begin with. I'm devestated. I know this needs to happen. I'm the thinnest I've been in a very very long time, but I'm also the unhealthiest I've ever been. I need to feel better. I need to enjoy life again. But darn it, I sure have enjoyed the attention.
So there it is...my confessional, my story. I vowed to be honest and open throughout this entire journey. Please say a prayer as I move forward to the next chapter in this story...Life after LapBand...starts June 25th!
Well, here comes one big ginormous LOW! Come Wednesday, June 25, I will be losing my Lap-Buddy...it's coming out. And I have very very mixed emotions about this.
The LB drama started earlier this year. I can't pinpoint when exactly, but it was early January when I started struggling to keep anything down. I would have a good day mixed in with a few bad days during the early months. This means I would have a day or 2 where I could eat and actually get food to go down and stay down. But then I would have a week where nothing would go down and stay down. And when I say nothing...I mean NOTHING. No coffee, no water, no juice...N O T H I N G. As time went on, I had no good days. Maybe once every couple of weeks, I would have a random meal that would somehow miraculously go down. But that's it.
Before I knew it, my jeans didn't fit. And then people started commenting on me losing weight. Oh, wow. This is nice. And then it was like one day I woke up and I realized I had lost 40+ pounds which meant a total weight loss of 100 pounds since I started this journey!!
And then I hit 50 pounds down for the year and people were making comments like:
"You're melting away!"
"Hey skinny minnie!"
"You're gonna blow away if you get any thinner!"
All my life I have struggled with my weight and have never heard comments and received praise like this. All I wanted was to lay in these comments like fresh fallen snow and make skinny snow angels!
And all I have to do is eat whatever I want and it all just comes back up! Amazing! The downside was when people would want to know what my weight loss "secret" was. I couldn't very well tell them I was throwing up everything, could I? My canned responses were:
"Oh, you know I had lapband surgery a few years ago, I just decided it was time to make it work for me!"
"I just quit eating my 2 Bell friends...Blue and Taco!"
"I just watch what I eat...and no soft drinks!"
Crazy people believed me! Well...some did. My boss totally busted me after a work dinner one night when she called me out on how many times I went to the restroom. I did have one person ask how much Taco Bell had I been eating that once I stopped eating it, I was able to drop this much weight. Uhhh....????
So I let it go on...and on...and on...for months. Finally I just started getting tired of it. My family was tired of me throwing up all the time. My boyfriend (EEK! I have a boyfriend now!!! lol) hated that we couldn't go out and enjoy a meal together without me up and down to the bathroom. I had some bloodwork done and I was anemic. I'm tired and listless all the time. I'm soooooo thirsty! I get it! I'm not healthy. I look great...but my insides are messed up. And I could tell that my brain was getting just as wonky. All I cared about was being skinny...who cares how I got there?
I finally called Dr. Dean and asked to have a bit of an unfill. Didn't work. Went back and had it completely unfilled, totally emptied. Didn't work. That's when I knew I was in serious trouble.
When I went back to see Dr. Dean and told him the total empty band still wouldn't allow me to eat or drink anything, he just shook his head and said, "You know where this is going, don't you?" And I did...I knew the LB was coming out. Turns out, my LB has slipped...or rather my stomach has pushed up through the LB. He made me do a barium swallow and I was able to see just how bad it was. And there's no easy fix. He said it's not like a belt that you can just loosen, pull the stomach back through, and then tighten back up. There's too much irritation, inflammation, scar tissue. The LB has to come out.
I asked about having a revision to the Sleeve. Nope. Again...too much damage to my stomach right now. He would consider doing it in 6-9 months from now, after I've had time to heal and recover from this trauma. I don't know if I will pursue that though.
So here we go. Can I maintain this weight loss? I don't think so. I have many many friends and family that think I can. But my Debbie Downer brain tells me no. If I could, then I wouldn't have needed weight loss surgery to begin with. I'm devestated. I know this needs to happen. I'm the thinnest I've been in a very very long time, but I'm also the unhealthiest I've ever been. I need to feel better. I need to enjoy life again. But darn it, I sure have enjoyed the attention.
So there it is...my confessional, my story. I vowed to be honest and open throughout this entire journey. Please say a prayer as I move forward to the next chapter in this story...Life after LapBand...starts June 25th!
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