UGH!!!! I'm just disgusted with myself...absolutely disgusted!
It's been 6 weeks since my complete unfill. I lost control and started eating whatever I wanted...whenever I wanted. With no restriction from my band, I was a lunatic! Eating E V E R Y T H I N G!! And I defnitely wasn't as controlled on the Disney trip as I could have been. I mean...really? Who wants carrot sticks with their bacon cheeseburger? And who wants a salad when there is a meatball sub on the menu?
I went last week to see Dr. Dean and start getting filled back up. I have been feeling perfectly normal since the unfill. No throwing up, no reflux, no tummyaches...all good. So he agreed to put 2 cc in instead of the 1 he had originally said. Finally! Maybe now I won't be so hungry all the time and will be able to eat a limited amount of food. WRONG!
Sure I can't eat a WHOLE cheeseburger now, but I sure can put away a decent amount of it. What? You mean I shouldn't be eating a cheeseburger in the first place? Well, my friend Cee Lo Green says, "FORGET YOU!" Psht...I want to EAT! And so I have been. And all this time I've been saying I wasn't an emotional eater. HAHAHAHA!!! LIE!!!! I finally have to face that fact. For example...this week...Wednesday I had a lunch date scheduled. I was stood up. Not the first time this has happened, but it has started to become a regular occurence. So I went home for lunch and gorged on whatever I could find and finished up that evening with an entire can of cheeseballs. OOPS! I have found there is a constant in my life...FOOD! It never lets me down...it's always there for me.
So when I pulled on my junior sized capris this morning and couldn't sit down without the zipper letting loose a loud "GRRRRZZZIIIPPP" I knew I was finally suffering my consequences.
So I grumpily pulled out my size 14 jeans that I held on to just in case something like this happened and to my utter disgust and disappointment...they're TIGHT! Thank goodness there is some spandex in these jeans and have some allowance of stretchiness.
The problem is I have to stop the madness! BUT HOW?!?!? How do I get the magic pill that creates some chemical in my brain that makes me have willpower...and desire for exercise?
Every day that I'm not at a football/basketball/baseball game, track meet, band concert I pull out a lawn chair and sit outside watching Coby ride his bike and Chaston play his own version of a Slam Dunk Contest. And the whole time I'm sitting there, I can feel the elliptical 4 feet behind me taunting me, judging me, glaring at me. And I don't even have to work out on that thing...if I would just get off my ever growing butt and DO something! Chase Coby, kick Chaston's hiney in a game of one on one. SOMETHING physical. I'm just drained at the end of the day and all I want to do is sit and chill and watch my kids.
Dr. Dean told me if I wanted to up my metabolism and start burning fat, I needed to increase muscle. So he stressed the importance of strength training...not aerobic. Guess what? I would rather lift dumbells and do squats all day long over running and walking. This is perfect for me! I can do this! Yeah...still haven't done it. He told me my excuses were wimpy and I needed to suck it up and do it. I told him the ONLY time I would have to work out is at 4:30 AM! In his infinite wisdom as a well known surgeon he said, "So?" Sigh........
So I guess this is where I promise to get back on track and make changes. Am I capable? Can I take control and make it happen? I have to.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Starting from Scratch
Well...I knew this would happen...but that doesn't mean I have to be real happy about it.
So I finally got my shrinking hiney to my surgeon yesterday. I weighed in and according to their scale, I've lost 78 pounds. When I started this, 80 was my first goal. I knew if I could reach that, I could maybe lose another 10. So 2 pounds from my goal, not bad. Dr. Dean walked in and told me I looked amazing, told me how proud he was, and we fist bumped. LOL! I just shook my head. He said, "What? You're not happy with 80 pounds? What's wrong with you?!" I told him it hasn't been a good 4.5 months. He pulled out his note pad and asked what the problem was.
I told him all my struggles over the past few months. How I can't keep anything down. Nothing. I keep just enough fluid in to keep dehydration from setting in, but other than that, everything I eat comes up. He asked if I was experiencing acid reflux. Oh absolutely. He asked if it happened at night when I was laying down. Oh absolutely. That's the worst. He then told me something I was thrilled to hear: I'm normal, it's okay, there is a solution...and the solution is not 3 months of liquids! YIPPEE!
Soooo....long story short....he removed all the liquid from my band. This means my stomach is a normal stomach, pretty much as if I don't even have the band. Due to the excessive vomiting and acid reflux, my stomach and esophagus are extrememly swollen and irritated. In 6 weeks I will go back and he will start giving me a 1 cc fill every few weeks until I reach restriction. This 6 weeks will allow my insides to chill out, relax, and get back to normal.
Great, right? Uhh...I don't know yet.
This means months of living life basically without a lap band. If I could lose weight without the band, I would have never gotten it! I now have to really work at this weight loss thing. I have to re-learn making good choices, get serious about exercising, watch portion sizes and snack choices. And since I've sold all my size 14jeans...I MUST make this extra effort to maintain my weight.
Early last year, I cut off all fast food. It's my weakness and I love it. In November, I started slacking off and eating whatever I wanted because I knew I was just going to throw it all up. So now I have challenged myself with breaking that fast food addiction again. I know I can do it!
Dr. Dean told me to weigh every day. This will help me monitor my weight and make any necessary food/exercise changes quickly. He once again stressed the importance of exercising. If I add that in, even though I'm able to eat now, I should be able to maintain...maybe even lose some more. He also told me he didn't want to see me come back in March having gained 15 pounds. I do NOT want to disappoint him. So not only do I not want to go backwards and undo all the good I've done, I don't want to let him down either.
I have my work cut out for me. It's only been 24 hours, but I've made some pretty good choices so far. The challenge is to continue making those choices for another 984 hours. :)
So I finally got my shrinking hiney to my surgeon yesterday. I weighed in and according to their scale, I've lost 78 pounds. When I started this, 80 was my first goal. I knew if I could reach that, I could maybe lose another 10. So 2 pounds from my goal, not bad. Dr. Dean walked in and told me I looked amazing, told me how proud he was, and we fist bumped. LOL! I just shook my head. He said, "What? You're not happy with 80 pounds? What's wrong with you?!" I told him it hasn't been a good 4.5 months. He pulled out his note pad and asked what the problem was.
I told him all my struggles over the past few months. How I can't keep anything down. Nothing. I keep just enough fluid in to keep dehydration from setting in, but other than that, everything I eat comes up. He asked if I was experiencing acid reflux. Oh absolutely. He asked if it happened at night when I was laying down. Oh absolutely. That's the worst. He then told me something I was thrilled to hear: I'm normal, it's okay, there is a solution...and the solution is not 3 months of liquids! YIPPEE!
Soooo....long story short....he removed all the liquid from my band. This means my stomach is a normal stomach, pretty much as if I don't even have the band. Due to the excessive vomiting and acid reflux, my stomach and esophagus are extrememly swollen and irritated. In 6 weeks I will go back and he will start giving me a 1 cc fill every few weeks until I reach restriction. This 6 weeks will allow my insides to chill out, relax, and get back to normal.
Great, right? Uhh...I don't know yet.
This means months of living life basically without a lap band. If I could lose weight without the band, I would have never gotten it! I now have to really work at this weight loss thing. I have to re-learn making good choices, get serious about exercising, watch portion sizes and snack choices. And since I've sold all my size 14jeans...I MUST make this extra effort to maintain my weight.
Early last year, I cut off all fast food. It's my weakness and I love it. In November, I started slacking off and eating whatever I wanted because I knew I was just going to throw it all up. So now I have challenged myself with breaking that fast food addiction again. I know I can do it!
Dr. Dean told me to weigh every day. This will help me monitor my weight and make any necessary food/exercise changes quickly. He once again stressed the importance of exercising. If I add that in, even though I'm able to eat now, I should be able to maintain...maybe even lose some more. He also told me he didn't want to see me come back in March having gained 15 pounds. I do NOT want to disappoint him. So not only do I not want to go backwards and undo all the good I've done, I don't want to let him down either.
I have my work cut out for me. It's only been 24 hours, but I've made some pretty good choices so far. The challenge is to continue making those choices for another 984 hours. :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Happy Band-iversary!!!
Can you believe it's really been 365 days since I had surgery? I can't...it sure has flown by. In the beginning I thought I would NEVER see a difference and doubted that it would work or that I would be successful. But here I am 71 pounds later!
SEVENTY ONE!! Did you hear that? SEVENTY ONE! That's almost THREE Coby's!! I just can't fathom that I was carrying around that much extra weight. No wonder I was so tired and mopey. I've gone from a size 22 to a 12!! My original goal was 80 pounds gone, but now that I'm this close I see that I could go further to 90. I will really need to start adding in some exercise, I just don't know where or when. I am just going to have to MAKE myself do it. Maybe once my friend Tina passes her PT test next month, I can hire her to come over and kick my butt in to shape!
A friend of mine invited me to the Krewe of Aurora Mardi Gras ball in February. It would be like me to turn down the invitation for fear of having to find a formal and face myself in a three way mirror under fluorescent lights and being scrutinized by dress salesladies. But I've decided to treat myself for all my hard work...I will be dolling myself up in a FABULOUS dress (that I don't even have yet) and get hair done and all that fun stuff! I'm so looking forward to that fun night out.
I'm still struggling with some issues that I'll be meeting with the doc about in February. But so far, I'm very very pleased and can't believe I didn't do this ages earlier.
Thank you so much for all your support and sharing this journey with me. I love you all!!! But I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back to keep updating...this journey isn't over yet!
Picture proof that the past 365 days have been life changing!
SEVENTY ONE!! Did you hear that? SEVENTY ONE! That's almost THREE Coby's!! I just can't fathom that I was carrying around that much extra weight. No wonder I was so tired and mopey. I've gone from a size 22 to a 12!! My original goal was 80 pounds gone, but now that I'm this close I see that I could go further to 90. I will really need to start adding in some exercise, I just don't know where or when. I am just going to have to MAKE myself do it. Maybe once my friend Tina passes her PT test next month, I can hire her to come over and kick my butt in to shape!
A friend of mine invited me to the Krewe of Aurora Mardi Gras ball in February. It would be like me to turn down the invitation for fear of having to find a formal and face myself in a three way mirror under fluorescent lights and being scrutinized by dress salesladies. But I've decided to treat myself for all my hard work...I will be dolling myself up in a FABULOUS dress (that I don't even have yet) and get hair done and all that fun stuff! I'm so looking forward to that fun night out.
I'm still struggling with some issues that I'll be meeting with the doc about in February. But so far, I'm very very pleased and can't believe I didn't do this ages earlier.
Thank you so much for all your support and sharing this journey with me. I love you all!!! But I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back to keep updating...this journey isn't over yet!
Picture proof that the past 365 days have been life changing!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
UGH!
So I realized I haven't updated in a couple months and thought I'd catch you up.
So back at the end of September I had the struggle with the fill and had to have half removed. Well 5 weeks later I finally went back to have some more taken out. From the day I had the fill in September to the day I had some removed in November, I lost about 22 pounds. I was ALWAYS throwing up. No matter what went in my mouth, it came back up...even water. I had several nights where I woke up choking on vomit/acid. I was borderline dehydrated. Why did I let it go on so long? Silly question...I lost almost 20 pounds! Pretty stupid, huh?
Now here I sit and wonder will there ever be a day that I don't throw up? Will I ever be able to just be normal? Or is THIS my new normal?
I miss food. Oh how stupid I feel saying that. I watch people in restaurants and on TV eating to their heart's content. And there I sit staring at the menu and thinking what will stay down?
I will probably wait til after the holidays and will go back to the doctor and see about getting more taken out.
Oh...and still not exercising. Whatever.
Weight loss to date -- 66 pounds. One month away from my "Band-versary!" :)
So back at the end of September I had the struggle with the fill and had to have half removed. Well 5 weeks later I finally went back to have some more taken out. From the day I had the fill in September to the day I had some removed in November, I lost about 22 pounds. I was ALWAYS throwing up. No matter what went in my mouth, it came back up...even water. I had several nights where I woke up choking on vomit/acid. I was borderline dehydrated. Why did I let it go on so long? Silly question...I lost almost 20 pounds! Pretty stupid, huh?
Now here I sit and wonder will there ever be a day that I don't throw up? Will I ever be able to just be normal? Or is THIS my new normal?
I miss food. Oh how stupid I feel saying that. I watch people in restaurants and on TV eating to their heart's content. And there I sit staring at the menu and thinking what will stay down?
I will probably wait til after the holidays and will go back to the doctor and see about getting more taken out.
Oh...and still not exercising. Whatever.
Weight loss to date -- 66 pounds. One month away from my "Band-versary!" :)
Monday, October 4, 2010
FIFTY! 50!!! FIVE OH!!!
OH HAPPY DAY!!!
What a difference! 50 pounds is like carrying around TWO Cobys ALL DAY LONG...EVERY DAY!! WHOA!
Just updating my pics!
Thanks again!
What a difference! 50 pounds is like carrying around TWO Cobys ALL DAY LONG...EVERY DAY!! WHOA!
Just updating my pics!
Thanks again!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Taking the bad with the good
The reason I started this blog was to share not only my struggles and my success, but also how this whole process unfolded for me. This way if there is someone out there thinking about having lapband, they can use my experiences to move forward.
I had my 4th fill scheduled for last Tuesday morning. It was well overdue. I had gotten to a point where I could almost eat what I wanted and however much I wanted. But I also knew I needed to be in the right mindset to get it done. This fill was going to seriously hinder my eating. Yes, I know, this is what I paid for, but the band does NOT take away the desire for food...just the ability to eat it.
I walked in the office and was greeted with the usual smiles and gushing about how good I looked. Another plug for the Bariatric Center in Beaumont. The staff is great! I never feel like a number or like a paycheck to them. I'm a person that they want to see be successful. It's great. Dr. Dean welcomed me and then bragged on the 10 pounds I've lost since there last time in May. He even commented on my baggy jeans and told me I needed to get some new ones. Yes sir! Don't have to tell me twice. LOL!
We discussed how much to fill, 1 cc or .5. At $150/fill, I decided to go with 1 cc. I was in and out within about 15 minutes. I did ask about seeing the therapist about some of my food addiction issues. He was pleased that I acknowledged I needed some help. He said alot won't admit it and then wind up allowing the band to fail. That's not an option for me. So I will see Dr. Monk on Wednesday to discuss those issues.
Pretty simple, huh? Yep...until it all went wrong...
A couple of hours later, I started feeling kinda ick. I hadn't eaten all day and was anxious to get a protein drink, thinking that might help. I get one, and start sipping. A few minutes later, I realized it wasn't going down. It wasn't getting through the band. Not good. It came back up. I tried a couple sips of water. Nope. Back up again. I tried to wait it out, thinking I was just swollen and maybe it would stop and I would finally get something down. But after the 3rd time I threw up my own saliva, I knew it was time to call the doctor.
Ewwww...gross, right? But it's just the way it is. :shrug:
Doctor wanted me back immediately for an unfill. I got back there and they didn't have an xray tech to run the fluorscope (the big thing that takes pics of my insides), so the doc was just going to have to feel around to find my port. This was not a good idea. After about the 20th stick, he needed some help. Yay for the lidocaine that he uses to numb my stomach before sticking me. He finally found it and removed about .5 cc.
Was it worth it?? Oh heck yeah!! I'm only able to eat a few bites and then I'm full. It's been great. I've already dropped 4 pounds since Tuesday! I'm only 1 pound from 50 pounds lost. This will be a pretty major milestone for me and I can't wait! I'm so glad I made the decision to do this. And I'm even more pleased with the amount of support I've gotten. Thank you to all my family and friends for your support and excitement for me.
More than halfway to my 90 pound goal!!!
I had my 4th fill scheduled for last Tuesday morning. It was well overdue. I had gotten to a point where I could almost eat what I wanted and however much I wanted. But I also knew I needed to be in the right mindset to get it done. This fill was going to seriously hinder my eating. Yes, I know, this is what I paid for, but the band does NOT take away the desire for food...just the ability to eat it.
I walked in the office and was greeted with the usual smiles and gushing about how good I looked. Another plug for the Bariatric Center in Beaumont. The staff is great! I never feel like a number or like a paycheck to them. I'm a person that they want to see be successful. It's great. Dr. Dean welcomed me and then bragged on the 10 pounds I've lost since there last time in May. He even commented on my baggy jeans and told me I needed to get some new ones. Yes sir! Don't have to tell me twice. LOL!
We discussed how much to fill, 1 cc or .5. At $150/fill, I decided to go with 1 cc. I was in and out within about 15 minutes. I did ask about seeing the therapist about some of my food addiction issues. He was pleased that I acknowledged I needed some help. He said alot won't admit it and then wind up allowing the band to fail. That's not an option for me. So I will see Dr. Monk on Wednesday to discuss those issues.
Pretty simple, huh? Yep...until it all went wrong...
A couple of hours later, I started feeling kinda ick. I hadn't eaten all day and was anxious to get a protein drink, thinking that might help. I get one, and start sipping. A few minutes later, I realized it wasn't going down. It wasn't getting through the band. Not good. It came back up. I tried a couple sips of water. Nope. Back up again. I tried to wait it out, thinking I was just swollen and maybe it would stop and I would finally get something down. But after the 3rd time I threw up my own saliva, I knew it was time to call the doctor.
Ewwww...gross, right? But it's just the way it is. :shrug:
Doctor wanted me back immediately for an unfill. I got back there and they didn't have an xray tech to run the fluorscope (the big thing that takes pics of my insides), so the doc was just going to have to feel around to find my port. This was not a good idea. After about the 20th stick, he needed some help. Yay for the lidocaine that he uses to numb my stomach before sticking me. He finally found it and removed about .5 cc.
Was it worth it?? Oh heck yeah!! I'm only able to eat a few bites and then I'm full. It's been great. I've already dropped 4 pounds since Tuesday! I'm only 1 pound from 50 pounds lost. This will be a pretty major milestone for me and I can't wait! I'm so glad I made the decision to do this. And I'm even more pleased with the amount of support I've gotten. Thank you to all my family and friends for your support and excitement for me.
More than halfway to my 90 pound goal!!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Livng LARGE!
Thought I'd update a lil bit. I don't have much to report as far as losing tons of weight...but because of my working out, I still seem to be shrinking. I'm sure there's all sorts of biological reasons for this, but I don't know them...I just know I like it. :) I have to admit that I underestimated Curves. I had read some posts on the lapbandtalk.com site about how it's boring and just doesn't do anything, blah, blah. But I gave it a try...and I really like it. I walk out of there like a wet noodle. I'm sweating and weak. The "Naomis" that are in there working out are having a grand time visiting and chatting and every now and then will look at the poor blonde grunting and dripping in sweat. I push myself...I will be successful.
I haven't had a fill since the first of May, and for the past couple of months, have really been able to eat more than I should. And if I can eat more, I will. If I didn't have these kinds of self control issues, I wouldn't have had to have this surgery. I go tomorrow to have another fill that I hope will jump start me losing again.
Went shopping this weekend, one of my favorite past times. Went to Old Navy to get some fall clothes in preparation of the cooler weather. I grabbed a cute sweater that was an XL, just as I was about to walk off I grabbed a Large...just to see. I went to the fitting room and slipped on the XL first. Hmmm...let's see how that Large fits. It fit perfectly!!
Last winter, I bought a couple of sweaters and coats from Old Navy that were all XXLs. Yes, that's TWO EXTRA LARGE. So when I realized I was going to be able to wear a Large...I was excited, thrilled, ecstatic. I wanted to tell everyone...but I restrained myself and just gushed to my mom and dad...and a friend of mine from church, Nicole, whom I bumped into while there. :) Thanks for sharing in my joy!
When Chaston got home last night, he was hanging out with me in my room while I unpacked all my new clothes. I told him that last winter I was a size XXL, and then I showed him the tag on one of my new sweaters. I held up my fist for one of our fist bump explosions (yeah, cheesey, but it's our thing), but instead I got a great big bear hug. He told me he was so proud.
I spend so much of my time being Chaston's #1 fan that I forget that he's MY #1 fan. With that kind of support, I can NOT fail.
I haven't had a fill since the first of May, and for the past couple of months, have really been able to eat more than I should. And if I can eat more, I will. If I didn't have these kinds of self control issues, I wouldn't have had to have this surgery. I go tomorrow to have another fill that I hope will jump start me losing again.
Went shopping this weekend, one of my favorite past times. Went to Old Navy to get some fall clothes in preparation of the cooler weather. I grabbed a cute sweater that was an XL, just as I was about to walk off I grabbed a Large...just to see. I went to the fitting room and slipped on the XL first. Hmmm...let's see how that Large fits. It fit perfectly!!
Last winter, I bought a couple of sweaters and coats from Old Navy that were all XXLs. Yes, that's TWO EXTRA LARGE. So when I realized I was going to be able to wear a Large...I was excited, thrilled, ecstatic. I wanted to tell everyone...but I restrained myself and just gushed to my mom and dad...and a friend of mine from church, Nicole, whom I bumped into while there. :) Thanks for sharing in my joy!
When Chaston got home last night, he was hanging out with me in my room while I unpacked all my new clothes. I told him that last winter I was a size XXL, and then I showed him the tag on one of my new sweaters. I held up my fist for one of our fist bump explosions (yeah, cheesey, but it's our thing), but instead I got a great big bear hug. He told me he was so proud.
I spend so much of my time being Chaston's #1 fan that I forget that he's MY #1 fan. With that kind of support, I can NOT fail.
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