Being MOM

I remember when I was younger when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was a corporate executive. I didn't really know WHAT that meant, I just knew I wanted to wear suits and work in the tallest building in downtown Houston. In my group of girlfriends, I was the one that said having kids wouldn't happen for many many years. I couldn't imagine being a mom. But God had different plans. At 18, I learned I was going to be a mom. Not exactly ideal timing, during my first sememster in college, but oh how God knew exactly what would make my life AMAZING! Oh it wasn't easy, and it still isn't. Chaston and I have literally grown up together. He is such a great cool kid. One of the funniest, wittiest, annoying boys I've ever known. Today he says he wants to be an opthomologist when he grows up...and of course being in the ministry in some capacity. I enjoy watching him grow every day in wisdom, stature, and in favor with both God and men. Almost 11 years later, our two person family grew to three when Coby Dean joined in the fun. Again, this was not easy, but what a joy it has been. Coby is so funny, energetic, and definitely keeps me on my toes. I can not wait to see what he decideds to do and be as he gets bigger. Being a mom has been the most enjoyable and challenging task that God has called me to in my life. And I have to say that it is the one thing in life that I KNOW I excel at. Sure I say the wrong things, lose my patience at inopportune times, but for the most part, I kinda rock at this. I am their biggest fan, biggest supporter, and strive to be their hero. I hope they see how hard I try to be just what they need me to be. How did I get to be such a great mom?? Well, easy answer...I had the best role model...MY mom! She's my first phone call when I have questions or concerns or funny kid stories to share. I couldn't have accomplished all that I have, raised these amazing kids, and continue to be a working mom without her. Thanks mom! Love you! So to all the moms out there...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! Enjoy your day and hug those babies tight.

Un-band related...or band unrelated

Whatever you want to call it. LOL!

This post has absolutely NOTHING to do with the band. It's about me cleaning my bathroom floor. And while this normally wouldn't be a very exciting topic, it's exactly the kind of thing I would want to find on Pinterest. Soooo...I thought, why shouldn't I put it on there?!

I am a hairspray addict. I spray my hair before I style it, while I'm styling it, after I style it, after I get dressed...and sometimes run back in the house for one more spritz...or 4.

This has caused some major buildup of hair products on my bathroom floor. One day I tried to scrub it with one of those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. That didn't work all that great.

So I hit up google...I mean, when all else fails, right? Several articles suggested acetone. I poured a capful of fingernail polish remover on the floor just to see what it would do, and it worked! But with no ventilation or an open window, that wouldn't get very far. Another site said, shampoo. Well, isn't that a novel idea?? Use shampoo to clean up hair styling products!!

I bought some clarifying, deep cleansing shampoo. Poured some in a spray bottle, added some warm water and shook it up. Sprayed it on the floor and let it sit for a few minutes. After scrubbing with a sponge for a few more minutes....VOILA! Floor looked good as new.

I'm just a wee bit embarassed that I didn't realize just how awful my floor looked. But now I know the secret to cleaning my floor...SHAMPOO!

Another Band-iversary is here!

Someone just asked me what the date was today and I said January 12th. I thought that date sounded important and then it dawned on me...it's my Band-iversary!

I know I just posted a couple weeks ago so I won't bore you all with my band/weight struggles. Although I would like a pat on the back, a gold star, AND a high five: I haven't had fast food in TEN days! I do believe this deserves a round of applause. And I'm being serious. :)

Two years...my how time flies when you're having fun...and boy are we having fun!

I have changed over the past year. I finally faced the fact that I was suffering from severe depression and I wasn't going to come out of it without some help. I found a wonderful psychologist that I see every 2 weeks. She really challenges me. I have to tell her all the things I'm going to do for the next 2 weeks to ensure I don't get swallowed in the "Black Pit" and then I have to report to her. She has forced me to step out of my comfort zone and realize if I don't make changes, NOTHING will CHANGE.

I joined a gym (which reminds me...my membership lapsed this month and I Need to renew). I don't turn down invitations. I go out with friends and actually have FUN. I go to movies by myself. I've become addicted to all things relaxing and pampering (pedicures, massages, facials, etc). I actually TALK to my kids and play with them. I have cooked more in the past year than I have in the 2 years previously COMBINED. I wear red lipstick. I am good. Really good.

Change...change is good. And while I might pout about not being as thin as I'd like to be, still single, still struggling sometimes with life...well, you know what? I am a strong amazing woman...just like God wants me to be.

HAPPY SECOND BANDIVERSARY TO ME! And just to remind myself of what 2 years can do...

2012 is MY year!

Next week will be 2 years since I started this journey, when I had my surgery. What a crazy eye opening experience! I have learned so much about myself and I MUST make some changes.

Reading back over my past blogs, I've done alot of making promises to change, whining that I can't do it, making excuses. I'm ashamed. I'm nothing but alot of talk and hot air.

I was pouting and havin one big pity party the other night. Thinking about how yet another year has passed and I'm still single and still overweight and now I'm brunette! EEK! lol...okay, so the brunette thing isn't that bad, it's just a change. :)

Two years ago, I was on a full liquid diet for FOUR weeks! Then I ate nothing but tuna and crab salad, greek yogurt, fish, veggies, cut out fast food, drank tons of water and logged all the fat and protein intake. Guess what?? I LOST WEIGHT! Imagine that!

Last year I started making some pretty bad choices...sodas, fast food, binging...etc. And something that only 3 people know: I am also being treated for lap band induced bulimia. Nice, huh? This is when I eat the wrong things and eat so much of it that it makes me throw up. I haven't lost weight because I can keep super sugary things down, but it has taken it's toll on me physically. My hair loss and breaking is one of them. My skin breaks out. My nails are splitting and breaking. Constant heartburn. And then there is the fear that my band will slip. If this happens, this means more surgery and possible band removal. I can't let that happen!

Sooooo....what to do? What to do? CHANGE! Go back to what works. What I put in my mouth is MY choice. No one is holding me down forcing that Mexican pizza and onion rings and french fries down my throat. I am the one going out and buying it. NO MORE!

Today was a grocery trip to stock back up on the foods that helped me succeed. Tonight is a trip to Casa Ole with the boys. Tomorrow is a brand new start. No more beating myself up for the poor choices I made in the past.

The other thing that must change is my self hatred and self disgust. I lost 80 pounds in 2010. I gained 30 pounds in 2011. I need to see that I am still 50 pounds lighter than I was to begin with!! And just like my hair color does not define me...neither does my weight. I have a pretty bad habit of having these massive pity parties where I just sit on the couch and cry about being fat and lonely. PHOOEY! get over it Chrysta! I almost let this keep me home New Year's Eve. My friend texted me and told me to get over myself, slap on my Spanx and let's roll! Couldn't argue with that. I let loose and had a great time!

When I choose to focus on the negative, what good will come of that? God don't make mistakes...every time I think about being fat and single and alone...well, I'm kinda saying God is wrong, and we all know that's not right!

I am an amazing mother, a good friend, witty, cute, smart, great credit score (lol), and have a knack for finding some gorgeous shoes at great prices. I am more than my jean size and whatever number is on my scale.

So 2012 is a new year...why not a new me? Well, not really a NEW me...maybe just an improved version. :)

My first goal...No shopping for 15 pounds. This means no purchasing shoes, clothes, purses, jewelry for myself until I lose 15 pounds. If you know me, even a little bit, you would know that this is major. This means until I lose 15 pounds, I might actually have to wear all the clothes I curently have in my closet. OH MY! lol! I'll be thinking about my next goal as I strive to reach the first. Feel free to post an idea for me if you have one.

Whew! Glad to get all that off my chest. Now...here we go. 2012....BRING IT ON!

Disgusted, Ashamed

I don't know where to start other than with those two words: disgusted and ashamed.

I watched a show a few months ago called "Addicted to Food." A couple of the morbidly obese people on there had previously had some sort of weight loss surgery. After losing 100+ pounds, they gained it all back and then some! I thought to myself how terrible that is...to have spent all that money only to fail and that I would never allow that to happen.

Along with all the food I consume, I'm also eating my words.

30 poounds. Yep, I said it...30 pounds. I have gained 30 pounds this year. I am ashamed. I have purposefully avoided this blog because I was embarassed to admit this. But when I started this journey, I had promised that I would report all the good with all the bad. And right now, it's bad.

All the clothes that I sold or gave away because they were too big for me...yeah, I need those now. Nothing I own fits me. The cooler weather is coming, and I'm standing in my closet looking at my cute winter clothes knowing that not a stitch of it will fit.

Oh how I wish there was someone other than myself to blame. But it's allll me. Although I CAN say I have been working out. But that's the only one good thing I can say. Has it worked in my weight loss? Nope. I just make horrible, terrible choices when it comes to food. But the thought of eating tuna and drinking protein shakes the rest of my life makes me ill and ANGRY.

I do have decent restriction in my band so I can't eat ALL that much...but when I do eat, I don't eat the right things so there still has been no weight loss whatsoever since my last fill. And I still have episodes of throwing up because, once again, I don't eat what's right for my band. Basically I shouldn't eat anything white: bread, pasta, rice, potatos...you know, all the GOOD food!

This is truly the hardest and most emotional thing I have ever done...it makes me examine myself too intensely. What is missing in my life that I feel the only thing that can fill the hole is food? Yes, I'm seeing a therapist...can you tell? lol! She's helping by challenging me, but some of her challenges, I just refuse to take on. Sure they make sense, I just don't wanna!!!

So how do I change my way of thinking? How do I flip the switch to get back to the frame of mind I was in when I first started this process? I was doing everything right back then!

I just went back and started at the beginning of my blog and read all the way through. Wow...what a roller coaster ride of emotions! I thought this was supposed to be STOPPING THE ROLLER COASTER!

I need prayer at this point...I can't do this all on my own and I think that's where I've gone wrong. I need God to help me with my impulses and desire for junk food. While there are people that need prayer for their addictions to drugs and alcohol, my son can tell you my "crack" is Taco Bell. Again -- Disgusted, Ashamed.

Happy Mother's Day

This is a blog entry I wrote several years ago on a blog that I have since locked down. This has nothing to do with my surgery or weight loss struggles...I just wanted to post it to say a Happy Mother's Day to all the special moms out there! Enjoy...

What a special woman it takes to be a mom. Moms are supposed to be able to do it ALL...and most of the time we succeed. But in the stillness of the night, when it's quiet, we are finally allowed to be human and reflect on the most important "job" we have. Sometimes I will cry out of exhaustion, sometimes laugh about something that happened during the day...but I always end the night with a smile on my face knowing that I did the best I could, and my best is pretty darn good.

All moms are to be commended on this day, but you all know I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms. Yes, because I am one, but also because I have dear friends that are Single Moms. And I have a couple of friends in my prayers that I hope never become Single Moms b/c today they're fighting for their marriage.

Single moms...we do it all. There is no one to help us on the sleepless nights, when the kids are sick, with laundry and cleaning and bills and and and... I don't know about other Single Moms, but I get tired, I get angry, I get sad about my situation. But then I realize that I don't HAVE to do this...I GET to do this. This is a gift that God has given me. He has given me the love of my boys. I get 99% of the hugs, 99% of the kisses, 99% of the headaches ...so it's ALL well worth it.

I have had so many people question HOW I do this, even my own family. If Ashley goes out of town and leaves the kids with Charlie, he is texting me saying he can't even fathom how I do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. LOL! Basically...if I don't, who will?

So tomorrow morning, there is no one to give me the day off. There is no husband that will say, "Honey, sleep in....we're going to cook you breakfast and give you the day off." Nope...tomorrow is just another day. I will still have all my motherly duties to tend to. And it will be perfect.

There is no husband that will buy me jewelry or perfume. I will get handmade cards and gifts from school and a perfect little trinket my parents ran out and bought for me from the boys. And it will be perfect.

So to all the Single Moms out there...keep it up, high five, and YOU ROCK!!

My Fat Jeans Are Tight

UGH!!!! I'm just disgusted with myself...absolutely disgusted!

It's been 6 weeks since my complete unfill. I lost control and started eating whatever I wanted...whenever I wanted. With no restriction from my band, I was a lunatic! Eating E V E R Y T H I N G!! And I defnitely wasn't as controlled on the Disney trip as I could have been. I mean...really? Who wants carrot sticks with their bacon cheeseburger? And who wants a salad when there is a meatball sub on the menu?

I went last week to see Dr. Dean and start getting filled back up. I have been feeling perfectly normal since the unfill. No throwing up, no reflux, no tummyaches...all good. So he agreed to put 2 cc in instead of the 1 he had originally said. Finally! Maybe now I won't be so hungry all the time and will be able to eat a limited amount of food. WRONG!

Sure I can't eat a WHOLE cheeseburger now, but I sure can put away a decent amount of it. What? You mean I shouldn't be eating a cheeseburger in the first place? Well, my friend Cee Lo Green says, "FORGET YOU!" Psht...I want to EAT! And so I have been. And all this time I've been saying I wasn't an emotional eater. HAHAHAHA!!! LIE!!!! I finally have to face that fact. For example...this week...Wednesday I had a lunch date scheduled. I was stood up. Not the first time this has happened, but it has started to become a regular occurence. So I went home for lunch and gorged on whatever I could find and finished up that evening with an entire can of cheeseballs. OOPS! I have found there is a constant in my life...FOOD! It never lets me down...it's always there for me.

So when I pulled on my junior sized capris this morning and couldn't sit down without the zipper letting loose a loud "GRRRRZZZIIIPPP" I knew I was finally suffering my consequences.

So I grumpily pulled out my size 14 jeans that I held on to just in case something like this happened and to my utter disgust and disappointment...they're TIGHT! Thank goodness there is some spandex in these jeans and have some allowance of stretchiness.

The problem is I have to stop the madness! BUT HOW?!?!? How do I get the magic pill that creates some chemical in my brain that makes me have willpower...and desire for exercise?

Every day that I'm not at a football/basketball/baseball game, track meet, band concert I pull out a lawn chair and sit outside watching Coby ride his bike and Chaston play his own version of a Slam Dunk Contest. And the whole time I'm sitting there, I can feel the elliptical 4 feet behind me taunting me, judging me, glaring at me. And I don't even have to work out on that thing...if I would just get off my ever growing butt and DO something! Chase Coby, kick Chaston's hiney in a game of one on one. SOMETHING physical. I'm just drained at the end of the day and all I want to do is sit and chill and watch my kids.

Dr. Dean told me if I wanted to up my metabolism and start burning fat, I needed to increase muscle. So he stressed the importance of strength training...not aerobic. Guess what? I would rather lift dumbells and do squats all day long over running and walking. This is perfect for me! I can do this! Yeah...still haven't done it. He told me my excuses were wimpy and I needed to suck it up and do it. I told him the ONLY time I would have to work out is at 4:30 AM! In his infinite wisdom as a well known surgeon he said, "So?" Sigh........

So I guess this is where I promise to get back on track and make changes. Am I capable? Can I take control and make it happen? I have to.