I don't know where to start other than with those two words: disgusted and ashamed.
I watched a show a few months ago called "Addicted to Food." A couple of the morbidly obese people on there had previously had some sort of weight loss surgery. After losing 100+ pounds, they gained it all back and then some! I thought to myself how terrible that is...to have spent all that money only to fail and that I would never allow that to happen.
Along with all the food I consume, I'm also eating my words.
30 poounds. Yep, I said it...30 pounds. I have gained 30 pounds this year. I am ashamed. I have purposefully avoided this blog because I was embarassed to admit this. But when I started this journey, I had promised that I would report all the good with all the bad. And right now, it's bad.
All the clothes that I sold or gave away because they were too big for me...yeah, I need those now. Nothing I own fits me. The cooler weather is coming, and I'm standing in my closet looking at my cute winter clothes knowing that not a stitch of it will fit.
Oh how I wish there was someone other than myself to blame. But it's allll me. Although I CAN say I have been working out. But that's the only one good thing I can say. Has it worked in my weight loss? Nope. I just make horrible, terrible choices when it comes to food. But the thought of eating tuna and drinking protein shakes the rest of my life makes me ill and ANGRY.
I do have decent restriction in my band so I can't eat ALL that much...but when I do eat, I don't eat the right things so there still has been no weight loss whatsoever since my last fill. And I still have episodes of throwing up because, once again, I don't eat what's right for my band. Basically I shouldn't eat anything white: bread, pasta, rice, potatos...you know, all the GOOD food!
This is truly the hardest and most emotional thing I have ever done...it makes me examine myself too intensely. What is missing in my life that I feel the only thing that can fill the hole is food? Yes, I'm seeing a therapist...can you tell? lol! She's helping by challenging me, but some of her challenges, I just refuse to take on. Sure they make sense, I just don't wanna!!!
So how do I change my way of thinking? How do I flip the switch to get back to the frame of mind I was in when I first started this process? I was doing everything right back then!
I just went back and started at the beginning of my blog and read all the way through. Wow...what a roller coaster ride of emotions! I thought this was supposed to be STOPPING THE ROLLER COASTER!
I need prayer at this point...I can't do this all on my own and I think that's where I've gone wrong. I need God to help me with my impulses and desire for junk food. While there are people that need prayer for their addictions to drugs and alcohol, my son can tell you my "crack" is Taco Bell. Again -- Disgusted, Ashamed.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
This is a blog entry I wrote several years ago on a blog that I have since locked down. This has nothing to do with my surgery or weight loss struggles...I just wanted to post it to say a Happy Mother's Day to all the special moms out there! Enjoy...
What a special woman it takes to be a mom. Moms are supposed to be able to do it ALL...and most of the time we succeed. But in the stillness of the night, when it's quiet, we are finally allowed to be human and reflect on the most important "job" we have. Sometimes I will cry out of exhaustion, sometimes laugh about something that happened during the day...but I always end the night with a smile on my face knowing that I did the best I could, and my best is pretty darn good.
All moms are to be commended on this day, but you all know I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms. Yes, because I am one, but also because I have dear friends that are Single Moms. And I have a couple of friends in my prayers that I hope never become Single Moms b/c today they're fighting for their marriage.
Single moms...we do it all. There is no one to help us on the sleepless nights, when the kids are sick, with laundry and cleaning and bills and and and... I don't know about other Single Moms, but I get tired, I get angry, I get sad about my situation. But then I realize that I don't HAVE to do this...I GET to do this. This is a gift that God has given me. He has given me the love of my boys. I get 99% of the hugs, 99% of the kisses, 99% of the headaches ...so it's ALL well worth it.
I have had so many people question HOW I do this, even my own family. If Ashley goes out of town and leaves the kids with Charlie, he is texting me saying he can't even fathom how I do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. LOL! Basically...if I don't, who will?
So tomorrow morning, there is no one to give me the day off. There is no husband that will say, "Honey, sleep in....we're going to cook you breakfast and give you the day off." Nope...tomorrow is just another day. I will still have all my motherly duties to tend to. And it will be perfect.
There is no husband that will buy me jewelry or perfume. I will get handmade cards and gifts from school and a perfect little trinket my parents ran out and bought for me from the boys. And it will be perfect.
So to all the Single Moms out there...keep it up, high five, and YOU ROCK!!
What a special woman it takes to be a mom. Moms are supposed to be able to do it ALL...and most of the time we succeed. But in the stillness of the night, when it's quiet, we are finally allowed to be human and reflect on the most important "job" we have. Sometimes I will cry out of exhaustion, sometimes laugh about something that happened during the day...but I always end the night with a smile on my face knowing that I did the best I could, and my best is pretty darn good.
All moms are to be commended on this day, but you all know I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms. Yes, because I am one, but also because I have dear friends that are Single Moms. And I have a couple of friends in my prayers that I hope never become Single Moms b/c today they're fighting for their marriage.
Single moms...we do it all. There is no one to help us on the sleepless nights, when the kids are sick, with laundry and cleaning and bills and and and... I don't know about other Single Moms, but I get tired, I get angry, I get sad about my situation. But then I realize that I don't HAVE to do this...I GET to do this. This is a gift that God has given me. He has given me the love of my boys. I get 99% of the hugs, 99% of the kisses, 99% of the headaches ...so it's ALL well worth it.
I have had so many people question HOW I do this, even my own family. If Ashley goes out of town and leaves the kids with Charlie, he is texting me saying he can't even fathom how I do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. LOL! Basically...if I don't, who will?
So tomorrow morning, there is no one to give me the day off. There is no husband that will say, "Honey, sleep in....we're going to cook you breakfast and give you the day off." Nope...tomorrow is just another day. I will still have all my motherly duties to tend to. And it will be perfect.
There is no husband that will buy me jewelry or perfume. I will get handmade cards and gifts from school and a perfect little trinket my parents ran out and bought for me from the boys. And it will be perfect.
So to all the Single Moms out there...keep it up, high five, and YOU ROCK!!
Friday, March 25, 2011
My Fat Jeans Are Tight
UGH!!!! I'm just disgusted with myself...absolutely disgusted!
It's been 6 weeks since my complete unfill. I lost control and started eating whatever I wanted...whenever I wanted. With no restriction from my band, I was a lunatic! Eating E V E R Y T H I N G!! And I defnitely wasn't as controlled on the Disney trip as I could have been. I mean...really? Who wants carrot sticks with their bacon cheeseburger? And who wants a salad when there is a meatball sub on the menu?
I went last week to see Dr. Dean and start getting filled back up. I have been feeling perfectly normal since the unfill. No throwing up, no reflux, no tummyaches...all good. So he agreed to put 2 cc in instead of the 1 he had originally said. Finally! Maybe now I won't be so hungry all the time and will be able to eat a limited amount of food. WRONG!
Sure I can't eat a WHOLE cheeseburger now, but I sure can put away a decent amount of it. What? You mean I shouldn't be eating a cheeseburger in the first place? Well, my friend Cee Lo Green says, "FORGET YOU!" Psht...I want to EAT! And so I have been. And all this time I've been saying I wasn't an emotional eater. HAHAHAHA!!! LIE!!!! I finally have to face that fact. For example...this week...Wednesday I had a lunch date scheduled. I was stood up. Not the first time this has happened, but it has started to become a regular occurence. So I went home for lunch and gorged on whatever I could find and finished up that evening with an entire can of cheeseballs. OOPS! I have found there is a constant in my life...FOOD! It never lets me down...it's always there for me.
So when I pulled on my junior sized capris this morning and couldn't sit down without the zipper letting loose a loud "GRRRRZZZIIIPPP" I knew I was finally suffering my consequences.
So I grumpily pulled out my size 14 jeans that I held on to just in case something like this happened and to my utter disgust and disappointment...they're TIGHT! Thank goodness there is some spandex in these jeans and have some allowance of stretchiness.
The problem is I have to stop the madness! BUT HOW?!?!? How do I get the magic pill that creates some chemical in my brain that makes me have willpower...and desire for exercise?
Every day that I'm not at a football/basketball/baseball game, track meet, band concert I pull out a lawn chair and sit outside watching Coby ride his bike and Chaston play his own version of a Slam Dunk Contest. And the whole time I'm sitting there, I can feel the elliptical 4 feet behind me taunting me, judging me, glaring at me. And I don't even have to work out on that thing...if I would just get off my ever growing butt and DO something! Chase Coby, kick Chaston's hiney in a game of one on one. SOMETHING physical. I'm just drained at the end of the day and all I want to do is sit and chill and watch my kids.
Dr. Dean told me if I wanted to up my metabolism and start burning fat, I needed to increase muscle. So he stressed the importance of strength training...not aerobic. Guess what? I would rather lift dumbells and do squats all day long over running and walking. This is perfect for me! I can do this! Yeah...still haven't done it. He told me my excuses were wimpy and I needed to suck it up and do it. I told him the ONLY time I would have to work out is at 4:30 AM! In his infinite wisdom as a well known surgeon he said, "So?" Sigh........
So I guess this is where I promise to get back on track and make changes. Am I capable? Can I take control and make it happen? I have to.
It's been 6 weeks since my complete unfill. I lost control and started eating whatever I wanted...whenever I wanted. With no restriction from my band, I was a lunatic! Eating E V E R Y T H I N G!! And I defnitely wasn't as controlled on the Disney trip as I could have been. I mean...really? Who wants carrot sticks with their bacon cheeseburger? And who wants a salad when there is a meatball sub on the menu?
I went last week to see Dr. Dean and start getting filled back up. I have been feeling perfectly normal since the unfill. No throwing up, no reflux, no tummyaches...all good. So he agreed to put 2 cc in instead of the 1 he had originally said. Finally! Maybe now I won't be so hungry all the time and will be able to eat a limited amount of food. WRONG!
Sure I can't eat a WHOLE cheeseburger now, but I sure can put away a decent amount of it. What? You mean I shouldn't be eating a cheeseburger in the first place? Well, my friend Cee Lo Green says, "FORGET YOU!" Psht...I want to EAT! And so I have been. And all this time I've been saying I wasn't an emotional eater. HAHAHAHA!!! LIE!!!! I finally have to face that fact. For example...this week...Wednesday I had a lunch date scheduled. I was stood up. Not the first time this has happened, but it has started to become a regular occurence. So I went home for lunch and gorged on whatever I could find and finished up that evening with an entire can of cheeseballs. OOPS! I have found there is a constant in my life...FOOD! It never lets me down...it's always there for me.
So when I pulled on my junior sized capris this morning and couldn't sit down without the zipper letting loose a loud "GRRRRZZZIIIPPP" I knew I was finally suffering my consequences.
So I grumpily pulled out my size 14 jeans that I held on to just in case something like this happened and to my utter disgust and disappointment...they're TIGHT! Thank goodness there is some spandex in these jeans and have some allowance of stretchiness.
The problem is I have to stop the madness! BUT HOW?!?!? How do I get the magic pill that creates some chemical in my brain that makes me have willpower...and desire for exercise?
Every day that I'm not at a football/basketball/baseball game, track meet, band concert I pull out a lawn chair and sit outside watching Coby ride his bike and Chaston play his own version of a Slam Dunk Contest. And the whole time I'm sitting there, I can feel the elliptical 4 feet behind me taunting me, judging me, glaring at me. And I don't even have to work out on that thing...if I would just get off my ever growing butt and DO something! Chase Coby, kick Chaston's hiney in a game of one on one. SOMETHING physical. I'm just drained at the end of the day and all I want to do is sit and chill and watch my kids.
Dr. Dean told me if I wanted to up my metabolism and start burning fat, I needed to increase muscle. So he stressed the importance of strength training...not aerobic. Guess what? I would rather lift dumbells and do squats all day long over running and walking. This is perfect for me! I can do this! Yeah...still haven't done it. He told me my excuses were wimpy and I needed to suck it up and do it. I told him the ONLY time I would have to work out is at 4:30 AM! In his infinite wisdom as a well known surgeon he said, "So?" Sigh........
So I guess this is where I promise to get back on track and make changes. Am I capable? Can I take control and make it happen? I have to.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Starting from Scratch
Well...I knew this would happen...but that doesn't mean I have to be real happy about it.
So I finally got my shrinking hiney to my surgeon yesterday. I weighed in and according to their scale, I've lost 78 pounds. When I started this, 80 was my first goal. I knew if I could reach that, I could maybe lose another 10. So 2 pounds from my goal, not bad. Dr. Dean walked in and told me I looked amazing, told me how proud he was, and we fist bumped. LOL! I just shook my head. He said, "What? You're not happy with 80 pounds? What's wrong with you?!" I told him it hasn't been a good 4.5 months. He pulled out his note pad and asked what the problem was.
I told him all my struggles over the past few months. How I can't keep anything down. Nothing. I keep just enough fluid in to keep dehydration from setting in, but other than that, everything I eat comes up. He asked if I was experiencing acid reflux. Oh absolutely. He asked if it happened at night when I was laying down. Oh absolutely. That's the worst. He then told me something I was thrilled to hear: I'm normal, it's okay, there is a solution...and the solution is not 3 months of liquids! YIPPEE!
Soooo....long story short....he removed all the liquid from my band. This means my stomach is a normal stomach, pretty much as if I don't even have the band. Due to the excessive vomiting and acid reflux, my stomach and esophagus are extrememly swollen and irritated. In 6 weeks I will go back and he will start giving me a 1 cc fill every few weeks until I reach restriction. This 6 weeks will allow my insides to chill out, relax, and get back to normal.
Great, right? Uhh...I don't know yet.
This means months of living life basically without a lap band. If I could lose weight without the band, I would have never gotten it! I now have to really work at this weight loss thing. I have to re-learn making good choices, get serious about exercising, watch portion sizes and snack choices. And since I've sold all my size 14jeans...I MUST make this extra effort to maintain my weight.
Early last year, I cut off all fast food. It's my weakness and I love it. In November, I started slacking off and eating whatever I wanted because I knew I was just going to throw it all up. So now I have challenged myself with breaking that fast food addiction again. I know I can do it!
Dr. Dean told me to weigh every day. This will help me monitor my weight and make any necessary food/exercise changes quickly. He once again stressed the importance of exercising. If I add that in, even though I'm able to eat now, I should be able to maintain...maybe even lose some more. He also told me he didn't want to see me come back in March having gained 15 pounds. I do NOT want to disappoint him. So not only do I not want to go backwards and undo all the good I've done, I don't want to let him down either.
I have my work cut out for me. It's only been 24 hours, but I've made some pretty good choices so far. The challenge is to continue making those choices for another 984 hours. :)
So I finally got my shrinking hiney to my surgeon yesterday. I weighed in and according to their scale, I've lost 78 pounds. When I started this, 80 was my first goal. I knew if I could reach that, I could maybe lose another 10. So 2 pounds from my goal, not bad. Dr. Dean walked in and told me I looked amazing, told me how proud he was, and we fist bumped. LOL! I just shook my head. He said, "What? You're not happy with 80 pounds? What's wrong with you?!" I told him it hasn't been a good 4.5 months. He pulled out his note pad and asked what the problem was.
I told him all my struggles over the past few months. How I can't keep anything down. Nothing. I keep just enough fluid in to keep dehydration from setting in, but other than that, everything I eat comes up. He asked if I was experiencing acid reflux. Oh absolutely. He asked if it happened at night when I was laying down. Oh absolutely. That's the worst. He then told me something I was thrilled to hear: I'm normal, it's okay, there is a solution...and the solution is not 3 months of liquids! YIPPEE!
Soooo....long story short....he removed all the liquid from my band. This means my stomach is a normal stomach, pretty much as if I don't even have the band. Due to the excessive vomiting and acid reflux, my stomach and esophagus are extrememly swollen and irritated. In 6 weeks I will go back and he will start giving me a 1 cc fill every few weeks until I reach restriction. This 6 weeks will allow my insides to chill out, relax, and get back to normal.
Great, right? Uhh...I don't know yet.
This means months of living life basically without a lap band. If I could lose weight without the band, I would have never gotten it! I now have to really work at this weight loss thing. I have to re-learn making good choices, get serious about exercising, watch portion sizes and snack choices. And since I've sold all my size 14jeans...I MUST make this extra effort to maintain my weight.
Early last year, I cut off all fast food. It's my weakness and I love it. In November, I started slacking off and eating whatever I wanted because I knew I was just going to throw it all up. So now I have challenged myself with breaking that fast food addiction again. I know I can do it!
Dr. Dean told me to weigh every day. This will help me monitor my weight and make any necessary food/exercise changes quickly. He once again stressed the importance of exercising. If I add that in, even though I'm able to eat now, I should be able to maintain...maybe even lose some more. He also told me he didn't want to see me come back in March having gained 15 pounds. I do NOT want to disappoint him. So not only do I not want to go backwards and undo all the good I've done, I don't want to let him down either.
I have my work cut out for me. It's only been 24 hours, but I've made some pretty good choices so far. The challenge is to continue making those choices for another 984 hours. :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Happy Band-iversary!!!
Can you believe it's really been 365 days since I had surgery? I can't...it sure has flown by. In the beginning I thought I would NEVER see a difference and doubted that it would work or that I would be successful. But here I am 71 pounds later!
SEVENTY ONE!! Did you hear that? SEVENTY ONE! That's almost THREE Coby's!! I just can't fathom that I was carrying around that much extra weight. No wonder I was so tired and mopey. I've gone from a size 22 to a 12!! My original goal was 80 pounds gone, but now that I'm this close I see that I could go further to 90. I will really need to start adding in some exercise, I just don't know where or when. I am just going to have to MAKE myself do it. Maybe once my friend Tina passes her PT test next month, I can hire her to come over and kick my butt in to shape!
A friend of mine invited me to the Krewe of Aurora Mardi Gras ball in February. It would be like me to turn down the invitation for fear of having to find a formal and face myself in a three way mirror under fluorescent lights and being scrutinized by dress salesladies. But I've decided to treat myself for all my hard work...I will be dolling myself up in a FABULOUS dress (that I don't even have yet) and get hair done and all that fun stuff! I'm so looking forward to that fun night out.
I'm still struggling with some issues that I'll be meeting with the doc about in February. But so far, I'm very very pleased and can't believe I didn't do this ages earlier.
Thank you so much for all your support and sharing this journey with me. I love you all!!! But I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back to keep updating...this journey isn't over yet!
Picture proof that the past 365 days have been life changing!
SEVENTY ONE!! Did you hear that? SEVENTY ONE! That's almost THREE Coby's!! I just can't fathom that I was carrying around that much extra weight. No wonder I was so tired and mopey. I've gone from a size 22 to a 12!! My original goal was 80 pounds gone, but now that I'm this close I see that I could go further to 90. I will really need to start adding in some exercise, I just don't know where or when. I am just going to have to MAKE myself do it. Maybe once my friend Tina passes her PT test next month, I can hire her to come over and kick my butt in to shape!
A friend of mine invited me to the Krewe of Aurora Mardi Gras ball in February. It would be like me to turn down the invitation for fear of having to find a formal and face myself in a three way mirror under fluorescent lights and being scrutinized by dress salesladies. But I've decided to treat myself for all my hard work...I will be dolling myself up in a FABULOUS dress (that I don't even have yet) and get hair done and all that fun stuff! I'm so looking forward to that fun night out.
I'm still struggling with some issues that I'll be meeting with the doc about in February. But so far, I'm very very pleased and can't believe I didn't do this ages earlier.
Thank you so much for all your support and sharing this journey with me. I love you all!!! But I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back to keep updating...this journey isn't over yet!
Picture proof that the past 365 days have been life changing!
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