It's time for a new blog post and I have so many thoughts swirling through my head, that I hope I can somehow put them here in some coherent form.
Let's look at the past few weeks strictly on a number and dramatized reaction to said numbers basis:
1/12/15 -- Lost 10 pounds
Reaction: WOOHOO!
1/19/15 -- Lost 0 pounds
Reaction: Huh?
1/26/15 -- Lost nada pounds
Reaction: Is this thing working?!
2/2/15 -- Lost zip, zilch, zero pounds
Reaction: Went and bought a new scale thinking old scale has become senile and stubborn in its old age. No such luck, reads exactly the same as the old scale. Boxed new one back up and returned to store.
2/6/15 -- Lost 3 pounds
Reaction: It's about gosh darn time! But only THREE?!?! Seriously?!? And now I fear that this was a fluke and those 3 pounds, and then some, will creep back on by next weigh in.
So one month in and I'm down a whopping 13 pounds and I'm not exactly thrilled with this. My expectations so far have not been met, at all! Are my expectations unrealistic? I have no idea. I didn't think so based on my research and visiting with others who had this procedure done. But now I question everything I ever thought about my potential success.
One major issue that this lack of weight loss has caused: my fashionista needs are not being met! I stopped buying clothes a month before the surgery, knowing I wouldn't be this size for much longer. I have 2 pairs of jeans, one dress, and a handful of tops that fit. Thank goodness for tights and leggings that I can kind of switch up the looks. But it's so frustrating!
I just knew in my heart that I would be down at least one size by now. Nope. I keep pulling out jeans and trying them on, crossing my fingers that maybe they'll button. Nope.
People keep asking how I'm doing, looking for an update. I respond, "I'm feeling great. All healed up," avoiding the subject of weight loss. What I want to say is, "OMG! I can't believe I just went through all this for NOTHING! I feel fine, but I am still FAT!" But I don't want to scare people off, so I just answer with my canned response and come here to vent and cry and stomp my fingers.
I have logged everything I eat in the MyFitnessPal app on my phone. I have anywhere from 600 to 800 calories a day. I have yet to eat over 1000 calories and very rarely get up to 900. I also take in about 70 grams of protein (60 is the recommended by the nutritionist). I have done this, not only to keep myself in check, but also to show the doctor and/or nutritionist when I have my 6 week follow up next week. I am praying that they will be able to show or tell me what I'm doing wrong or offer some reassurances that I am on the right track and the weight will start magically falling off.
I had my first weekend at home since the surgery without the boys a couple weekends ago. It was the longest weekend of my life. Here's where it gets difficult for a binge eater...being alone with no one to judge or stop your addictive lifestyle (more about this in a future blog post...contrary to popular belief anorexia and bulimia are not the only eating disorders). Those alone weekends, I would eat and eat and eat, hoping at some point I would just get full or fill that empty hole that needs filling. And there was no one there to see, which means it didn't happen, right? Wrong, I know.
But my first alone weekend was a success. I did very well. Well....I didn't hardly leave the house and spent lots of time just sitting and watching tv and watching the clock til an acceptable time to go to bed so that I wouldn't be tempted to gorge myself. So I battled the demons that weekend and won. I felt like that should have earned a 5 pound weight loss right there. But nope. I will battle this demon every day and every weekend. Food is my heroin.
This is just exhausting.
I just hope something happens sooner rather than later. This is all I think about. This is all I talk about. This is all I dream about while tossing and turning, fretting that I will be the one who can not lose weight like this. That all of this was for nothing.
Sorry for such a Debbie Downer of a blog post, but this is real life folks. And since day one, I promised that I would be brutally honest...not just with you, but also with myself. If there is just one person that reads this and it helps them to feel like they're not alone in their journey, then I have achieved the purpose of this blog.
Thanks for reading....
