Yeah...what a title, huh? Imagine my dismay when I stumbled on a website where this is the favored name for the Lap Band. But the way I've been feeling the past few months, I just might have to agree with it.
I'm just tired. Tired of the throwing up, of the sleepless reflux-filled nights, popping antacids hourly, only being able to eat ice cream because it's the only thing that will stay down.
So for the first time in 2 years, I started thinking about getting it taken out. But I'm teriffied of what will happen...how quickly will I balloon back up? So then I started looking into getting a revision to a Gastric Sleeve. And wow...this seems to be quite popular amongst all the lapbanders. So after reading a few websites and people's stories, I made an appointment to see Dr. Dean to discuss some options.
He started telling me this is becoming common in their line of work and they're even starting to push people toward the Sleeve rather than the Band because it's so much more effective. Oh really? Would have been nice to know a few years ago, huh?? Ugh.
He then told me that it would be two surgeries, they're conservative and do not like to do the lapband removal and Sleeve in one procedure. To top it off, it could be anywhere from 6 months to a YEAR before they would come back and do the sleeve. WHAT?!? Do you have any idea how FAT I would get in that span of time?? I mean, if I could do this weight loss thing without a tool like the lapband, I would have already done that!!
But first things first...he wants to see what the lapband is doing to my insides. He's ordering an Upper GI and EGD for me and then we will go from there. I googled these two procedures as soon as I got back and neither one looks like loads of fun. Should be interesting and I feel for the poor folks that will have to perform these procedures on me...I can be quite the whiny baby. :ashamed:
So I'll keep you updated on the results of all that mess. Now that I've talked about medical stuff, now to get to the emotional aspect...what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accept ME?! Folks tell me I'm cute, pretty, intelligent, etc...but what I want is to look like the girl on the magazine covers. And let me tell you what it would take to look like that...definitely MORE than TWO weight loss surgeries. It would take a small army of surgeons and A LOT of moolah!!
But in my head, that is what is pretty. That is what draws someone's attention to the magazines...a beautiful girl with a flat stomach and great hair. So when someone tells me I'm pretty, there is no way I believe them. How can you look at this chick on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and then look at me and think I am attractive. There is just NO way. She is perfection. I'm merely a below average chunky 30 something. There just is NO comparison.
Now comes the guilt and the head banging. Why do I allow all this self hatred and hate talk? I would never stand for one of my children to talk like this, so why is it okay for me to?
When I'm looking at old pictures of my teenager, he gets all embarassed because he's so chubby, has chipmunk cheeks, and some of the most horrifically crooked teeth ever seen. And I can't help but cry sweet tears as I look at his precious beautiful face, he is perfection. I don't see what he sees, I see him through eyes of pure love and adoration.
I imagine that this is the way God sees me. I stare in the mirror with disgust all while God is looking down and viewing his perfect masterpiece. Oh if only for one minute I were able to look at me through God's eyes and see what he sees. Then maybe I could learn to accept this physical shell that I have been given.
I really need to realize that I am worth more than the number on the scale, than the size on the tag of my clothes, than the lumps and bumps and curves of my body. I promise to work on this. I am a child of the King...and he is enthralled with my beauty and I shall honor Him. (Psalm 45:11)
