I don't know where to start other than with those two words: disgusted and ashamed.
I watched a show a few months ago called "Addicted to Food." A couple of the morbidly obese people on there had previously had some sort of weight loss surgery. After losing 100+ pounds, they gained it all back and then some! I thought to myself how terrible that is...to have spent all that money only to fail and that I would never allow that to happen.
Along with all the food I consume, I'm also eating my words.
30 poounds. Yep, I said it...30 pounds. I have gained 30 pounds this year. I am ashamed. I have purposefully avoided this blog because I was embarassed to admit this. But when I started this journey, I had promised that I would report all the good with all the bad. And right now, it's bad.
All the clothes that I sold or gave away because they were too big for me...yeah, I need those now. Nothing I own fits me. The cooler weather is coming, and I'm standing in my closet looking at my cute winter clothes knowing that not a stitch of it will fit.
Oh how I wish there was someone other than myself to blame. But it's allll me. Although I CAN say I have been working out. But that's the only one good thing I can say. Has it worked in my weight loss? Nope. I just make horrible, terrible choices when it comes to food. But the thought of eating tuna and drinking protein shakes the rest of my life makes me ill and ANGRY.
I do have decent restriction in my band so I can't eat ALL that much...but when I do eat, I don't eat the right things so there still has been no weight loss whatsoever since my last fill. And I still have episodes of throwing up because, once again, I don't eat what's right for my band. Basically I shouldn't eat anything white: bread, pasta, rice, potatos...you know, all the GOOD food!
This is truly the hardest and most emotional thing I have ever done...it makes me examine myself too intensely. What is missing in my life that I feel the only thing that can fill the hole is food? Yes, I'm seeing a therapist...can you tell? lol! She's helping by challenging me, but some of her challenges, I just refuse to take on. Sure they make sense, I just don't wanna!!!
So how do I change my way of thinking? How do I flip the switch to get back to the frame of mind I was in when I first started this process? I was doing everything right back then!
I just went back and started at the beginning of my blog and read all the way through. Wow...what a roller coaster ride of emotions! I thought this was supposed to be STOPPING THE ROLLER COASTER!
I need prayer at this point...I can't do this all on my own and I think that's where I've gone wrong. I need God to help me with my impulses and desire for junk food. While there are people that need prayer for their addictions to drugs and alcohol, my son can tell you my "crack" is Taco Bell. Again -- Disgusted, Ashamed.
