Why am I doing this?

"You're not that big." "You carry it so well." "You're so tall, you don't look that size."

That's what I hear. Every day. When people wonder why I'm going through with this surgery. So let me try to explain.

I am not comfortable and I can not stop. I eat until I hurt, almost as if it's my last meal. It's disgusting really. I have gained so much weight, it hurts to breathe. I can't stand to look in the mirror. But I can't make the changes needed without surgical intervention. There's a part of me that's actually looking forward to the liquid diet, my body needs it at this point. Of course, ask me about it on day 2 and I'm sure I'll have a different outlook for you.

I'm tired. Before I had the lapband removed earlier this year, I was tired and didn't feel good. The same is true now. I'm looking for a healthy, happy balance. And I know this will help me tremendously. Coby wants me to play. I have to go to ball games and band concerts and work and and and....and I just don't have the energy to carry myself there.

I'm ugly. I don't care what you say. This is how I feel. I have always struggled with my self esteem as I feel it is attached to the way I look. The only time I'm confident is when I'm being a mom. That...that I am good at. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder if the boys' friends and teachers are thinking, "Gosh, Coby/Chaston's mom has gotten so big. She used to be so pretty." I remember when Chaston was younger, like around Coby's age...he said, "I want you to lose weight so you can be skinny and pretty and get me a new daddy." This baby had no idea he had just tapped in to one of my darkest issues and hurt me. I would never tell him that, but I remember that like it was yesterday. If I were skinny, I could find a man, have more friends, be a better person and my family would be happier. I know these are lies Satan is having a field day planting in my brain. I've gotten better with this issue, but it's still there.

I don't want my kids to think fat is healthy. I can't have them look at me and think that if I can have a successful life as obese, then they can too. It's not healthy and I intend to be the best me for them.

Surgery isn't for everyone, that's why not everyone chooses it. Just like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Crossfit, etc isn't for everyone. You have to find the option that works for you and be awesome at it. And this is the direction I'm headed....to be awesome! That's why!

Footnote: I'm not tall. I'm 5'6"....okay, I'm really 5'5 and a half"....please don't forget that "and a half." I really need it.

January 6, 2015: The day I start alllll over

FINALLY got the phone call to schedule my gastric sleeve surgery! I had asked for a date at the first of the year. Unfortunately, he couldn't do January 1. Go figure. So I'll take his first available date of January 6, first surgery of the day. Thank you very much!

I will meet with Dr. Dean on the December 29th and take the Diet Class (to get pre and post op diet instructions) on December 31. Because my BMI isn't THAT high, all things being relative I guess, I will only have to do a one week pre op diet. So yay for that! It's all going to happen so quickly, but I'm happy that I get to enjoy the Christmas festivities (which means food in my language) before starting my new journey.

My first surgery (Lap Band) was January something 2010. So almost exactly 5 years later, here I go again. Fairly weird that my blog title is "Stopping the Roller Coaster Ride" when that's all this has been...one big loopty loop and bumpy mess! Especially this year!

January of this year I weighed in around 195, about 50 pounds down from when I had the initial surgery. In June when I had the LB removed, I weighed in at a very unhealthy, dehydrated, anemic 137. Now at this surgery, I'm starting out at....ok, here it goes...deep breath....about 215. I hate that I said I would be honest through this entire process. Sheesh! 2014 was an emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting year to say the least. But it's time for something new and different, some great opportunities and challenges are ahead for 2015 and I can't wait!

I did just place an order for some plus size sweaters and jeans, not knowing how far in to the new year my surgery would be. I will be returning all that and continue looking longingly at the piles of jeans in my room ranging in sizes from 9-14. That should see me through for a while...maybe....but I'm sure I'll get the urge to go shopping soon enough.

So watch for updates and information of my newest journey into bariatric surgery. Good times ahead!!