UGH!!!! I'm just disgusted with myself...absolutely disgusted!
It's been 6 weeks since my complete unfill. I lost control and started eating whatever I wanted...whenever I wanted. With no restriction from my band, I was a lunatic! Eating E V E R Y T H I N G!! And I defnitely wasn't as controlled on the Disney trip as I could have been. I mean...really? Who wants carrot sticks with their bacon cheeseburger? And who wants a salad when there is a meatball sub on the menu?
I went last week to see Dr. Dean and start getting filled back up. I have been feeling perfectly normal since the unfill. No throwing up, no reflux, no tummyaches...all good. So he agreed to put 2 cc in instead of the 1 he had originally said. Finally! Maybe now I won't be so hungry all the time and will be able to eat a limited amount of food. WRONG!
Sure I can't eat a WHOLE cheeseburger now, but I sure can put away a decent amount of it. What? You mean I shouldn't be eating a cheeseburger in the first place? Well, my friend Cee Lo Green says, "FORGET YOU!" Psht...I want to EAT! And so I have been. And all this time I've been saying I wasn't an emotional eater. HAHAHAHA!!! LIE!!!! I finally have to face that fact. For example...this week...Wednesday I had a lunch date scheduled. I was stood up. Not the first time this has happened, but it has started to become a regular occurence. So I went home for lunch and gorged on whatever I could find and finished up that evening with an entire can of cheeseballs. OOPS! I have found there is a constant in my life...FOOD! It never lets me down...it's always there for me.
So when I pulled on my junior sized capris this morning and couldn't sit down without the zipper letting loose a loud "GRRRRZZZIIIPPP" I knew I was finally suffering my consequences.
So I grumpily pulled out my size 14 jeans that I held on to just in case something like this happened and to my utter disgust and disappointment...they're TIGHT! Thank goodness there is some spandex in these jeans and have some allowance of stretchiness.
The problem is I have to stop the madness! BUT HOW?!?!? How do I get the magic pill that creates some chemical in my brain that makes me have willpower...and desire for exercise?
Every day that I'm not at a football/basketball/baseball game, track meet, band concert I pull out a lawn chair and sit outside watching Coby ride his bike and Chaston play his own version of a Slam Dunk Contest. And the whole time I'm sitting there, I can feel the elliptical 4 feet behind me taunting me, judging me, glaring at me. And I don't even have to work out on that thing...if I would just get off my ever growing butt and DO something! Chase Coby, kick Chaston's hiney in a game of one on one. SOMETHING physical. I'm just drained at the end of the day and all I want to do is sit and chill and watch my kids.
Dr. Dean told me if I wanted to up my metabolism and start burning fat, I needed to increase muscle. So he stressed the importance of strength training...not aerobic. Guess what? I would rather lift dumbells and do squats all day long over running and walking. This is perfect for me! I can do this! Yeah...still haven't done it. He told me my excuses were wimpy and I needed to suck it up and do it. I told him the ONLY time I would have to work out is at 4:30 AM! In his infinite wisdom as a well known surgeon he said, "So?" Sigh........
So I guess this is where I promise to get back on track and make changes. Am I capable? Can I take control and make it happen? I have to.
