Why am I doing this?

"You're not that big." "You carry it so well." "You're so tall, you don't look that size."

That's what I hear. Every day. When people wonder why I'm going through with this surgery. So let me try to explain.

I am not comfortable and I can not stop. I eat until I hurt, almost as if it's my last meal. It's disgusting really. I have gained so much weight, it hurts to breathe. I can't stand to look in the mirror. But I can't make the changes needed without surgical intervention. There's a part of me that's actually looking forward to the liquid diet, my body needs it at this point. Of course, ask me about it on day 2 and I'm sure I'll have a different outlook for you.

I'm tired. Before I had the lapband removed earlier this year, I was tired and didn't feel good. The same is true now. I'm looking for a healthy, happy balance. And I know this will help me tremendously. Coby wants me to play. I have to go to ball games and band concerts and work and and and....and I just don't have the energy to carry myself there.

I'm ugly. I don't care what you say. This is how I feel. I have always struggled with my self esteem as I feel it is attached to the way I look. The only time I'm confident is when I'm being a mom. That...that I am good at. But in the back of my mind, I always wonder if the boys' friends and teachers are thinking, "Gosh, Coby/Chaston's mom has gotten so big. She used to be so pretty." I remember when Chaston was younger, like around Coby's age...he said, "I want you to lose weight so you can be skinny and pretty and get me a new daddy." This baby had no idea he had just tapped in to one of my darkest issues and hurt me. I would never tell him that, but I remember that like it was yesterday. If I were skinny, I could find a man, have more friends, be a better person and my family would be happier. I know these are lies Satan is having a field day planting in my brain. I've gotten better with this issue, but it's still there.

I don't want my kids to think fat is healthy. I can't have them look at me and think that if I can have a successful life as obese, then they can too. It's not healthy and I intend to be the best me for them.

Surgery isn't for everyone, that's why not everyone chooses it. Just like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Crossfit, etc isn't for everyone. You have to find the option that works for you and be awesome at it. And this is the direction I'm headed....to be awesome! That's why!

Footnote: I'm not tall. I'm 5'6"....okay, I'm really 5'5 and a half"....please don't forget that "and a half." I really need it.

January 6, 2015: The day I start alllll over

FINALLY got the phone call to schedule my gastric sleeve surgery! I had asked for a date at the first of the year. Unfortunately, he couldn't do January 1. Go figure. So I'll take his first available date of January 6, first surgery of the day. Thank you very much!

I will meet with Dr. Dean on the December 29th and take the Diet Class (to get pre and post op diet instructions) on December 31. Because my BMI isn't THAT high, all things being relative I guess, I will only have to do a one week pre op diet. So yay for that! It's all going to happen so quickly, but I'm happy that I get to enjoy the Christmas festivities (which means food in my language) before starting my new journey.

My first surgery (Lap Band) was January something 2010. So almost exactly 5 years later, here I go again. Fairly weird that my blog title is "Stopping the Roller Coaster Ride" when that's all this has been...one big loopty loop and bumpy mess! Especially this year!

January of this year I weighed in around 195, about 50 pounds down from when I had the initial surgery. In June when I had the LB removed, I weighed in at a very unhealthy, dehydrated, anemic 137. Now at this surgery, I'm starting out at....ok, here it goes...deep breath....about 215. I hate that I said I would be honest through this entire process. Sheesh! 2014 was an emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting year to say the least. But it's time for something new and different, some great opportunities and challenges are ahead for 2015 and I can't wait!

I did just place an order for some plus size sweaters and jeans, not knowing how far in to the new year my surgery would be. I will be returning all that and continue looking longingly at the piles of jeans in my room ranging in sizes from 9-14. That should see me through for a while...maybe....but I'm sure I'll get the urge to go shopping soon enough.

So watch for updates and information of my newest journey into bariatric surgery. Good times ahead!!

This is life...real life

So all that talk about how I'm going to eat healthy and not gain much of the weight back and I'm in control...well that was just a load of hogwash. I tried low carb, like super low carb, less than 20 grams a day. Uh, that's hard...and expensive. Especially when you're also trying to feed 2 very picky, hungry boys. I did it for a few weeks with no results, other than gaining weight. So I just decided to do portion control, just not go hog wild and eat everything in site. Still bringing my home made salads for lunch, my protein shakes for breakfast...still gaining weight.

This is an absolutely amazing phenomenon to me. I lost about 60 pounds in 7 months. I've gained 50 in 2. Seriously. Not kidding. I started off this year in a size 16, was in an 8 when I had my LB removed at the end of June, back up to a 14. That fast. I am seriously gaining weight while I sleep, and breathe, and blink. I work out 3-4 times a week and this is doing nothing for me. My dad says I need to eat less or exercise more. I could exercise more, but who wants to do that? And eat less? Yeah, I could do that too.

What is my freaking problem? I think I'm just genetically predisposed to being fat. And I'm not okay with that, but can't spend hours in the gym and can't put the junk food down.

And why can't I be ok with being fat? With being obese? Why can't I accept me for WHO I am...not what I LOOK like...not for what size dress I wear?

And every day I notice little comments people make, or don't make. I used to hear every day how awesome I look, how thin I'm getting. Now I get comments like, "You look healthy today." HEALTHY? To me, that's someone saying I've filled out, put on some weight. Thanks for pointing that out! Or my favorite...I mentioned I had been cooking and someone said, "Really, 'cause it looks like you've been eating." I was stunned, especially since it was in a room full of people. You could feel the air get sucked out of the room. They tried to cover for him since I was brushing crumbs off my hand, that's what he meant. Doesn't matter, I will twist it to fit my sick little brain that thinks all comments are somehow directed at me being fat.

And I'm so self conscious. If people just look at me, I just know they're evaluating how much weight I've gained. They're thinking, "Oh, there's go Chrysta getting fat again."

I hate that I had the LB removed. Hate it. I felt like crap, but darn it, I looked good. Sheesh! What is wrong with my brain?! One of the reasons I had it taken out was my boyfriend hated how sick I was...that we couldn't have a meal together, I was always feeling tired. Whoops...lost the boyfriend. Now I'm fat and single. Just how I started this year. Amazing. Fantastic.

I have another follow up with Dr. Dean on Oct. 11. He seems to think that me checking in with him will help me keep a good weight. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I will be scheduling my surgery for the sleeve during that appointment.

This is not where you preach to me YOUR way of eating. YOUR lifestyle. Don't want to hear it. Don't need to hear it. Don't waste your breath. This is me and this is how I'm going to do it.

Bitter? Angry? Me? Nah....just being honest. I promised I would keep this blog real, that I would be honest about how this process is working out for me, not working out for me. The highs, the lows. And this is it. This is me. All 190 pounds of me.

Post Surgery Redux

Well, it's been almost a week since the surgery to have LB taken out. I have to say...I don't miss it one bit...yet. Just a little bit of honesty thrown in there.

Oh the sweet joy of being able to eat and drink and not make multiple trips to the restroom to throw up! Being able to sit in hour long meetings at work and not worry about every sip of water not making it down and needing to excuse myself. Knowing that I will be able to go on our planned trip to the beach this week and not starve myself because there is just no place to vomit discreetly out there. It's the little things, folks!

So surgery day...well...it was eventful to say the least. My family and friends know how to bring the party to a tiny room. Since I couldn't eat or drink anything since midnight the night before, and I wasn't taken back to surgery til well after 3 PM, I was starving! But they all kept me preoccupied and in giggles. And I'm sure they will tell you that no one can rock a gown, JiffyPop hat, compression hose, and a smile like I can. Ha!

Some of the most memorable post-surgery events (of which I had to be told about):

1. This one I remember -- when I woke up in recovery, the man next to me who was also coming out of his anesthesia, apparently had a full bladder and he let everyone know. The nurses kept telling him he had a catheter and he could pee any time he wanted. Finally one nurse just told him to LET IT GO! Which of course....led to them bursting in to the famous Frozen song....hey, at least they have fun at their jobs.

2. When I was going under the effect of Versad, Jason and Chaston were talking about what dreams I might have. These included rainbows, unicorns, Channing Tatum, and Ken Caminiti. Somehow Caminiti became the rainbow. In a haze, I mumbled, "Hmmm...taste the rainbow."

3. Chaston took a selfie with me after surgery, while I was still out of it. I woke up just in time to catch him. My drug induced glare scared him, and most everyone else. I must try to replicate this look for future use.

4. I think this is everyone's favorite! They wanted me to wake up after surgery so we could get going home. Jason asked Coby how he usually wakes me up. Coby said he tickles me....he was told this wasn't a good idea and to come up with a different suggestion. After thinking for a bit, he came up with a great idea! "I could wipe a booger on her face!" Thankfully, they didn't let him do that either!

Okay...so that was all the fun part. Now to the actual surgery stuff. When I showed up the day of surgery, I had lost another 5+ pounds since the Monday before when I had my pre-op lab work done. I was sick folks. I was exhausted, my head hurt, I was freezing all the time. I still can't believe I had let this go on as long as I had. Wait....yes I can. I was able to gorge and binge on anything and everything I wanted and the weight just peeled off!

But I knew I was finally doing the right thing, for me, for my kids...no matter my size and weight.

Dr. Dean said it went pretty much as he expected and my stomach was, well, it was a mess. He had to "manipulate" me back into shape. I have no idea what this means and can't wait to get more of an explanation at my post op visit with him next week. All I know is that I was more sore and sick after this surgery than when getting LB put in. I'm still a bit achy and feel like I've done 2340293848 sit ups, but it gets better every day.

And the energy I have now is pretty cool! I got home from work last night and cooked supper, played with Coby, did some laundry, and played with Coby some more. I can't wait to translate this in the gym! I think by next week, I'll be able to get on the treadmill or elliptical and get some work in.

The only drawback...I have to pee like alllll the time! This is a new sensation for me from the past 6 months. I would maybe go twice a day....now it feels like every 15 minutes. Especially with all the water I drink. Good to know I didn't lose any kidney function through the whole ordeal. LOL!

The hard part has begun though. I have already gained 12 pounds. That's 12 pounds in 6 days. I knew this would happen. I mean it had to. But I want it to stop here. I have stocked my fridge with low carb, healthy, easy to cook options. But there are still a few bad things that call my name at night. I need to remember that I can't eat everything I want and lose weight anymore. This isn't the Battle of the Bulge...this is a Battle of the Brain!

I am so blessed to be surrounded by positive and supportive friends and family who have loved me through this and will love me past it. I could not have survived this without all of them taking care of me and praying for me and offering support. If ever I throw a pity party and whine about not being loved, someone knock me upside the head.

XOXOXOXOX!!!!

Ending...or starting...a new chapter?

Has it really been 18 months since I posted here? Wow! I guess I just didn't have anything that imporant to say...or I was just saying it in bits and pieces on Facebook. Oh that darn Facebook...what would we do without it? Anywho....time to update on my lapband drama. That's the reason I started this blog in the first place -- to talk about the ups and downs, highs and lows of dealing with having had bariatric surgery.

Well, here comes one big ginormous LOW! Come Wednesday, June 25, I will be losing my Lap-Buddy...it's coming out. And I have very very mixed emotions about this.

The LB drama started earlier this year. I can't pinpoint when exactly, but it was early January when I started struggling to keep anything down. I would have a good day mixed in with a few bad days during the early months. This means I would have a day or 2 where I could eat and actually get food to go down and stay down. But then I would have a week where nothing would go down and stay down. And when I say nothing...I mean NOTHING. No coffee, no water, no juice...N O T H I N G. As time went on, I had no good days. Maybe once every couple of weeks, I would have a random meal that would somehow miraculously go down. But that's it.

Before I knew it, my jeans didn't fit. And then people started commenting on me losing weight. Oh, wow. This is nice. And then it was like one day I woke up and I realized I had lost 40+ pounds which meant a total weight loss of 100 pounds since I started this journey!!

And then I hit 50 pounds down for the year and people were making comments like:

"You're melting away!"
"Hey skinny minnie!"
"You're gonna blow away if you get any thinner!"

All my life I have struggled with my weight and have never heard comments and received praise like this. All I wanted was to lay in these comments like fresh fallen snow and make skinny snow angels!

And all I have to do is eat whatever I want and it all just comes back up! Amazing! The downside was when people would want to know what my weight loss "secret" was. I couldn't very well tell them I was throwing up everything, could I? My canned responses were:

"Oh, you know I had lapband surgery a few years ago, I just decided it was time to make it work for me!"
"I just quit eating my 2 Bell friends...Blue and Taco!"
"I just watch what I eat...and no soft drinks!"

Crazy people believed me! Well...some did. My boss totally busted me after a work dinner one night when she called me out on how many times I went to the restroom. I did have one person ask how much Taco Bell had I been eating that once I stopped eating it, I was able to drop this much weight. Uhhh....????

So I let it go on...and on...and on...for months. Finally I just started getting tired of it. My family was tired of me throwing up all the time. My boyfriend (EEK! I have a boyfriend now!!! lol) hated that we couldn't go out and enjoy a meal together without me up and down to the bathroom. I had some bloodwork done and I was anemic. I'm tired and listless all the time. I'm soooooo thirsty! I get it! I'm not healthy. I look great...but my insides are messed up. And I could tell that my brain was getting just as wonky. All I cared about was being skinny...who cares how I got there?

I finally called Dr. Dean and asked to have a bit of an unfill. Didn't work. Went back and had it completely unfilled, totally emptied. Didn't work. That's when I knew I was in serious trouble.

When I went back to see Dr. Dean and told him the total empty band still wouldn't allow me to eat or drink anything, he just shook his head and said, "You know where this is going, don't you?" And I did...I knew the LB was coming out. Turns out, my LB has slipped...or rather my stomach has pushed up through the LB. He made me do a barium swallow and I was able to see just how bad it was. And there's no easy fix. He said it's not like a belt that you can just loosen, pull the stomach back through, and then tighten back up. There's too much irritation, inflammation, scar tissue. The LB has to come out.

I asked about having a revision to the Sleeve. Nope. Again...too much damage to my stomach right now. He would consider doing it in 6-9 months from now, after I've had time to heal and recover from this trauma. I don't know if I will pursue that though.

So here we go. Can I maintain this weight loss? I don't think so. I have many many friends and family that think I can. But my Debbie Downer brain tells me no. If I could, then I wouldn't have needed weight loss surgery to begin with. I'm devestated. I know this needs to happen. I'm the thinnest I've been in a very very long time, but I'm also the unhealthiest I've ever been. I need to feel better. I need to enjoy life again. But darn it, I sure have enjoyed the attention.

So there it is...my confessional, my story. I vowed to be honest and open throughout this entire journey. Please say a prayer as I move forward to the next chapter in this story...Life after LapBand...starts June 25th!