My first born is about to be a bona fide adult. In the legal term of course. I don't know if I would send him out in the world just yet. Plus he's made it clear that Coby will probably grow up and move out before he does. Yeah, he knows he's got it good. When I think back over the past 18 years, I'm just so blessed. But God knew what he was doing, even though at the time we weren't so sure.
18 years and 8 months ago, a plus sign (not an "X" that means negative, Ashley Grey!) turned my world upside down. I had to make the hardest phone call of my life. I had to tell my parents that I was pregnant. I wasn't married. I wasn't financially secure. Heck, I was just barely old enough to vote. And during my second month off at college, I have to call my minister daddy and devout Christian mom, and tell them their teenage daughter was going to have a baby. I waited for the screaming and yelling and crying. If that happened, I never witnessed it. My dad calmly said, "Ok, we'll get through this." And we did.
I was terrified...at that moment, not of being a mom, but of judgment. What would my parents think of me? What would my friends think of me? What would my church think of me? You know what they thought? They thought, "We love this girl. We don't know why this happened, but it is in God's plan. We will forgive her and we will embrace her and her child."
18 years and 5 months ago, after my first semester at college ended, I made another big decision. I would not get married. There was a little shock at this decision, but not by mom. I could hear her sigh of relief. She knew that we would be okay and the support continued.
18 years and 4 months ago, I went back to college. I grew over the semester and a desk without a chair attached had to be brought in. Thanks to an especially boring History class, I doodled a lot and decided on the perfect name for my bundle. I finished the semester with just a few weeks to spare. If I was going to be able to provide for this little "pearl" I had to get my education. I was not going to change my course of action, he would just have to go along for the ride.
18 years and 1 day ago, I went to bed a pregnant teenager. I woke up bright and early in the morning, physically knowing this was the day I was going to meet my Chaston Dane and become a mom. Sure enough, June 12, 1997, 10:44 PM he made his rocket fast appearance. So fast, he hit a couple speed bumps on the way out and had a nice knot on his head that didn't recede until he was about 6 weeks old.
For 18 years, I have been a mom. And I have loved (almost) every minute of it. I was made to be a mom, I didn't know it then...but I know now. And I got to raise Chaston. Life just doesn't get much better than that!
Where can I even start to explain the awesomeness that is Chaston Dane Miller? He was born to a teenage mom, in a "broken" home (I use this term lightly, because by my standards our home was far from broken...in fact it's pretty awesome), and not without some drama. But most people don't know some of the struggles we've had. Because of the support of my parents, our friends, and especially our church and pastor...Chaston has beaten the odds. He is smart, he is funny, he is a natural leader, he is gifted, he is talented, he is an amazing big brother, he smells like a rotting gym sock, he can't clean his room or put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. And I absolutely, unashamedly adore him.
Single parenting is not a breeze. There have been moments of panic as I wonder how in the world am I going to do this? I can't do this! I need help!
I have my parents to thank for helping me to make it look easy. They do more for me than any husband could ever imagine doing. My dad has been an amazing father figure and coach. My mom has helped him with countless hours of homework and costume creating. They have been his cheerleader sitting right next to me, or sending me play by play texts when I'm unable to make a game or event. They have hugged us and let us cry when life got tough, and have been there to celebrate the many great times.
Chaston was born 18 minutes ago, not 18 years ago. Until you have children of your own (and yes, my animal parents, you count as having children), you can't understand how fast time flies by. One minute I'm changing diapers, watching Pre-K graduation, crying over timed math facts tests....the next minute, we're scheduling senior pics and getting ready for prom. Savor every moment, the good ones and the bad, help your child learn from any life experience. They might not thank you now, but they will. Chaston is learning this quickly as he grows up. Leave wet clothes in the washing machine for 4 days and they start to smell, especially after a cycle in the dryer. I pointed this out as he was getting dressed and he couldn't understand why they smelled so bad. He asked if I knew those clothes had been in there. Yep. He got quiet...a few minutes later he said, "A good mom would have moved the clothes to the dryer 3 days ago. But now I realize a GREAT mom would help me to learn a lesson." BAM!!! They get it folks!! You just have to have patience and love them and teach them.
Psalm 127:3 says: Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.
I have been rewarded this young man, even in my sin, but have also been tasked with raising him for the Lord. I'm responsible for raising God's child...just a little daunting. Thank God for Grace, right? We aren't perfect, but He knows I try. Chaston has a yearning to work in the ministry, and every day that I see him live for the Lord I see the pearl in the sandstorm and know that God knew exactly what He was doing....18 years ago.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Our own worst enemies
So something happened at a swimming party yesterday that I cannot get out of my head. And when that happens, there's no choice but to just get it all out here.
We were at a hotel this weekend and Coby swam for HOURS. He was a shriveled mess when he finally got out and he had a blast. That boy loves the water! But we went to a swimming party yesterday and while he had told me how excited he was, he slowly walked to the edge of the pool and just stood there. I nudged him to take his tank off and dive in. He walked away and hung his head. What is going on here? I followed him and started pulling his shirt off, but he held his arms down at his sides and fought me. He said, "I don't want them to think I'm fat."
Oh no! My heart hurt. He's not fat by any means! He's not even "husky" by any standards. But he has it in his head that he is fat. Where did that come from? I've done nothing but tell him how awesome, how cute, how smart, how funny he is!
I finally yanked the tank top off him, kissed the top of his head and he dove in. I thought that conversation was over. Fifteen minutes later I hear a child's voice squeal, "You have a big ol' belly!" My head jerks up and I lock eyes with Coby across the pool. No, this didn't just happen. His eyes are filled with shock and pain and blame at me for making him get undressed, then he lowers his head and slowly sinks under the water. When he comes back up, I'm already on my feet running to him. "Did someone just say that to you?? Did someone just say you had a big belly?" He nods his head and points to the boy next to him. I very calmly (this took ALOT of restraint) explained to the boy that wasn't a nice thing to say, it was very hurtful and he shouldn't say things like that to his friends. I then knelt down and looked my Coby Bear in the eye and told him he was perfect in every way and to ignore anyone that says anything negative about him. The party ended with no more issues and he had a good time. But needless to say, I can't shake the look he had in his eyes.
I had to walk away from Coby with tears in my eyes, much like they are now. I can't imagine how this crushed him at SEVEN years old when all they have to define themselves is by their friends. Coby is so many things: he is so funny, kind hearted, loves Jesus and his family, smart, enjoys reading, was awesome at first base this season, and not a bad little athlete all around. There are so many other descriptors to define my baby, other than FAT. But FAT is what sticks in his head, and now he believes that one of his peers confirms that concern.
Have I done this to him? I have defined my success in life by my weight. I have always wanted to be thin and have accomplished it a few times at extreme measures. Coby knows it's my constant struggle and is aware of my surgeries I've had to "get weak"...weak means skinny in Coby-isms. He's heard me mutter under my breath, "I'm so fat...this is disgusting." He's looked at old pics with me and heard me say, "I was so skinny then, now I'm just a fatty."
So when I look at him and tell him he's not fat, but that's he's perfect...he can't correlate the two. "How can Mommy look at her body and say it's disgusting, but I look at mine and it's supposed to be perfect?" Is that what's in his mind?
I am devestated. I work hard to teach my kids the rights and wrongs in life, to know Jesus, to be nice to others, to love everyone and be compassionate. But did I fail them on how to treat themselves?
Why is it okay for us to say the most foul things about ourselves, to ourselves? I blog quite often about how God made us flawless, how awesome it is to know that He made us perfectly imperfect just the way he planned. But as soon as I hit the "publish" button, I can't stand to look in the mirror.
Here's just a few verses that explains what God has to say about beauty and appearance:
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
I have failed to truly believe that God made me to praise Him....not for others to praise ME. And I have failed to teach that to my children. This changes now. I can not and will not let Coby grow up to have the same issues that I have now. He will know that God made him for a bigger purpose than to have others admire him for the way he looks. He is so much more...and so am I....and so are you!
We were at a hotel this weekend and Coby swam for HOURS. He was a shriveled mess when he finally got out and he had a blast. That boy loves the water! But we went to a swimming party yesterday and while he had told me how excited he was, he slowly walked to the edge of the pool and just stood there. I nudged him to take his tank off and dive in. He walked away and hung his head. What is going on here? I followed him and started pulling his shirt off, but he held his arms down at his sides and fought me. He said, "I don't want them to think I'm fat."
Oh no! My heart hurt. He's not fat by any means! He's not even "husky" by any standards. But he has it in his head that he is fat. Where did that come from? I've done nothing but tell him how awesome, how cute, how smart, how funny he is!
I finally yanked the tank top off him, kissed the top of his head and he dove in. I thought that conversation was over. Fifteen minutes later I hear a child's voice squeal, "You have a big ol' belly!" My head jerks up and I lock eyes with Coby across the pool. No, this didn't just happen. His eyes are filled with shock and pain and blame at me for making him get undressed, then he lowers his head and slowly sinks under the water. When he comes back up, I'm already on my feet running to him. "Did someone just say that to you?? Did someone just say you had a big belly?" He nods his head and points to the boy next to him. I very calmly (this took ALOT of restraint) explained to the boy that wasn't a nice thing to say, it was very hurtful and he shouldn't say things like that to his friends. I then knelt down and looked my Coby Bear in the eye and told him he was perfect in every way and to ignore anyone that says anything negative about him. The party ended with no more issues and he had a good time. But needless to say, I can't shake the look he had in his eyes.
I had to walk away from Coby with tears in my eyes, much like they are now. I can't imagine how this crushed him at SEVEN years old when all they have to define themselves is by their friends. Coby is so many things: he is so funny, kind hearted, loves Jesus and his family, smart, enjoys reading, was awesome at first base this season, and not a bad little athlete all around. There are so many other descriptors to define my baby, other than FAT. But FAT is what sticks in his head, and now he believes that one of his peers confirms that concern.
Have I done this to him? I have defined my success in life by my weight. I have always wanted to be thin and have accomplished it a few times at extreme measures. Coby knows it's my constant struggle and is aware of my surgeries I've had to "get weak"...weak means skinny in Coby-isms. He's heard me mutter under my breath, "I'm so fat...this is disgusting." He's looked at old pics with me and heard me say, "I was so skinny then, now I'm just a fatty."
So when I look at him and tell him he's not fat, but that's he's perfect...he can't correlate the two. "How can Mommy look at her body and say it's disgusting, but I look at mine and it's supposed to be perfect?" Is that what's in his mind?
I am devestated. I work hard to teach my kids the rights and wrongs in life, to know Jesus, to be nice to others, to love everyone and be compassionate. But did I fail them on how to treat themselves?
Why is it okay for us to say the most foul things about ourselves, to ourselves? I blog quite often about how God made us flawless, how awesome it is to know that He made us perfectly imperfect just the way he planned. But as soon as I hit the "publish" button, I can't stand to look in the mirror.
Here's just a few verses that explains what God has to say about beauty and appearance:
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
I have failed to truly believe that God made me to praise Him....not for others to praise ME. And I have failed to teach that to my children. This changes now. I can not and will not let Coby grow up to have the same issues that I have now. He will know that God made him for a bigger purpose than to have others admire him for the way he looks. He is so much more...and so am I....and so are you!
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