So something happened at a swimming party yesterday that I cannot get out of my head. And when that happens, there's no choice but to just get it all out here.
We were at a hotel this weekend and Coby swam for HOURS. He was a shriveled mess when he finally got out and he had a blast. That boy loves the water! But we went to a swimming party yesterday and while he had told me how excited he was, he slowly walked to the edge of the pool and just stood there. I nudged him to take his tank off and dive in. He walked away and hung his head. What is going on here? I followed him and started pulling his shirt off, but he held his arms down at his sides and fought me. He said, "I don't want them to think I'm fat."
Oh no! My heart hurt. He's not fat by any means! He's not even "husky" by any standards. But he has it in his head that he is fat. Where did that come from? I've done nothing but tell him how awesome, how cute, how smart, how funny he is!
I finally yanked the tank top off him, kissed the top of his head and he dove in. I thought that conversation was over. Fifteen minutes later I hear a child's voice squeal, "You have a big ol' belly!" My head jerks up and I lock eyes with Coby across the pool. No, this didn't just happen. His eyes are filled with shock and pain and blame at me for making him get undressed, then he lowers his head and slowly sinks under the water. When he comes back up, I'm already on my feet running to him. "Did someone just say that to you?? Did someone just say you had a big belly?" He nods his head and points to the boy next to him. I very calmly (this took ALOT of restraint) explained to the boy that wasn't a nice thing to say, it was very hurtful and he shouldn't say things like that to his friends. I then knelt down and looked my Coby Bear in the eye and told him he was perfect in every way and to ignore anyone that says anything negative about him. The party ended with no more issues and he had a good time. But needless to say, I can't shake the look he had in his eyes.
I had to walk away from Coby with tears in my eyes, much like they are now. I can't imagine how this crushed him at SEVEN years old when all they have to define themselves is by their friends. Coby is so many things: he is so funny, kind hearted, loves Jesus and his family, smart, enjoys reading, was awesome at first base this season, and not a bad little athlete all around. There are so many other descriptors to define my baby, other than FAT. But FAT is what sticks in his head, and now he believes that one of his peers confirms that concern.
Have I done this to him? I have defined my success in life by my weight. I have always wanted to be thin and have accomplished it a few times at extreme measures. Coby knows it's my constant struggle and is aware of my surgeries I've had to "get weak"...weak means skinny in Coby-isms. He's heard me mutter under my breath, "I'm so fat...this is disgusting." He's looked at old pics with me and heard me say, "I was so skinny then, now I'm just a fatty."
So when I look at him and tell him he's not fat, but that's he's perfect...he can't correlate the two. "How can Mommy look at her body and say it's disgusting, but I look at mine and it's supposed to be perfect?" Is that what's in his mind?
I am devestated. I work hard to teach my kids the rights and wrongs in life, to know Jesus, to be nice to others, to love everyone and be compassionate. But did I fail them on how to treat themselves?
Why is it okay for us to say the most foul things about ourselves, to ourselves? I blog quite often about how God made us flawless, how awesome it is to know that He made us perfectly imperfect just the way he planned. But as soon as I hit the "publish" button, I can't stand to look in the mirror.
Here's just a few verses that explains what God has to say about beauty and appearance:
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
I have failed to truly believe that God made me to praise Him....not for others to praise ME. And I have failed to teach that to my children. This changes now. I can not and will not let Coby grow up to have the same issues that I have now. He will know that God made him for a bigger purpose than to have others admire him for the way he looks. He is so much more...and so am I....and so are you!
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