2012 Year in Review

What a year! And as I sat in reflection I thought that this was a nothing year. Nothing exciting happened, nothing new, it was just a blah year.

Then last night, I was bored, so I started flipping through my facebook page.

Boy was I wrong!!!! A "nothing" year? WHAT?!?

Wow....the things I quickly forgot that happened.

Just some of the highlights:

Chaston's 8th grade basketball team actually won a trophy! Chaston rocked the hurdles! Saw Blue Man Group! Coby started teeball! Coby turned 4! Watched my sweet friend Julie get married! Coby broke his nose. Chaston made All Stars! Clara Ann was born! Chaston "graduated" from Middle School as Mr. BCMS! Chaston turned 15! Both boys went to VBS...Chaston as a youth helper and Coby for his first time and they both LOVED it!! I started teaching a Sunday School class of amazing ladies! I lost a best friend, but gained some more! Chaston started High School!! Coby started Pre-K at FBC BC! Took a car full of boys to Houston for a long weekend of fun and an Astros game. Chaston got his driving permit! Watched the BCHS Marching Band go to Area Marching Finals in Nacogdoches! I moved to the big corner office at work! Coby had his first dentist appt! Had an amazing Christmas holidays with the family!

Whew! And that doesn't include all the trips to the movies, to Whitehouse, bowling, and just general goofy fun with the boys.

So next time I think we had had an un-adventurous year, I have Facebook to thank to remind of what an amazing ride it's been!

Sweet 16

So I guess I need to update on the Upper GI I had done. Wasn't too painful, other than the part they made me drink something super fizzy and told me I couldn't burp. Ugh! That part wasn't nice. But I was told that officially my band was too tight. There didn't seem to be a slip or swelling, just general tightness. So I called the Bariatric Center and they were great about getting me right in so I didn't have to make another trip to Beaumont. Dr. Schrapps took out 1 full cc and gave me a script for Nexium. Ahhh....sweet relief. Unfortunately, I've gained about 20 pounds in the past year or so. Eh, whatever.

The other really bad thing...I've officially become addicted to ice cream. Don't believe me?? There's plenty of studies and articles out there to back up this theory...just google it.

Sooooo...I've been doing alot of internal reflection and have just about come to terms with who I am. There have been two times in my adult life that I have been a size 12.

Once was back when I was about 20. I was working full time and going to school full time. I lived off pretzels from the vending machine at school and little snack packs of fat free caramel popcorn we sold where I worked. Then I would get home at about 11 PM and head straight to the track for my 2 mile walk.

The other time in my life I was a size 12 was just a couple of years ago. And if we all need to be reminded on how I got there.... http://stoppingtherollercoasterride.blogspot.com/2010/12/ugh.html Throwing up every single thing that crossed my lips...including my own spit sometimes...well, that's just not all that fun, is it?

So now I'm a size 16...and I have to wonder, is eating about 500 calories a day or throwing up all the time really the sacrifice I want to make to be a size 12? Hmmm...I just don't think so. I have been teaching/leading a class of some pretty wonderful ladies from church and the title of the study is: You're Already Amazing. Wow...you mean I don't have to be a size 12 or smaller to be amazing? I can be a great mom, a good employee, an awesome friend, and a child of the King and not be "model" thin...what a concept!!

Now I have no intention of just losing control and going "hog" wild from here on out. I actually like what I see in the mirror right now, and feel comfortable. But I don't want to be completely unhealthy. The ice cream needs to stop. The candy needs to stop. Yes, I need to get outside and get more active. I do need to stay healthy. But the self hatred is over. You see this body of mine? It's a temple of the Lord. He gave this to me...I'm just blessed to have more square footage than some of you other temples out there. LOL!!!

I love some of the things I have come to realize over the past few months about myself. I hear myself sharing encouragement with my friends, and I am learning to apply those same things to myself. It's been quite the trip actually. It only took me 30+ years to get here.

And for those of you that are reading this that might be looking for weight loss or lap band tips, well I just don't have them for you today. What I do want to offer you is that God has created you for amazing things...not to wear low rise skinny jeans. Now it's up to you to get out there and find out what God's purpose is for you. And keep your head up...you are ALREADY AMAZING!!!!

The "Crap" Band??

Yeah...what a title, huh? Imagine my dismay when I stumbled on a website where this is the favored name for the Lap Band. But the way I've been feeling the past few months, I just might have to agree with it. I'm just tired. Tired of the throwing up, of the sleepless reflux-filled nights, popping antacids hourly, only being able to eat ice cream because it's the only thing that will stay down.

So for the first time in 2 years, I started thinking about getting it taken out. But I'm teriffied of what will happen...how quickly will I balloon back up? So then I started looking into getting a revision to a Gastric Sleeve. And wow...this seems to be quite popular amongst all the lapbanders. So after reading a few websites and people's stories, I made an appointment to see Dr. Dean to discuss some options. He started telling me this is becoming common in their line of work and they're even starting to push people toward the Sleeve rather than the Band because it's so much more effective. Oh really? Would have been nice to know a few years ago, huh?? Ugh.

He then told me that it would be two surgeries, they're conservative and do not like to do the lapband removal and Sleeve in one procedure. To top it off, it could be anywhere from 6 months to a YEAR before they would come back and do the sleeve. WHAT?!? Do you have any idea how FAT I would get in that span of time?? I mean, if I could do this weight loss thing without a tool like the lapband, I would have already done that!!

But first things first...he wants to see what the lapband is doing to my insides. He's ordering an Upper GI and EGD for me and then we will go from there. I googled these two procedures as soon as I got back and neither one looks like loads of fun. Should be interesting and I feel for the poor folks that will have to perform these procedures on me...I can be quite the whiny baby. :ashamed:

So I'll keep you updated on the results of all that mess. Now that I've talked about medical stuff, now to get to the emotional aspect...what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accept ME?! Folks tell me I'm cute, pretty, intelligent, etc...but what I want is to look like the girl on the magazine covers. And let me tell you what it would take to look like that...definitely MORE than TWO weight loss surgeries. It would take a small army of surgeons and A LOT of moolah!!

But in my head, that is what is pretty. That is what draws someone's attention to the magazines...a beautiful girl with a flat stomach and great hair. So when someone tells me I'm pretty, there is no way I believe them. How can you look at this chick on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and then look at me and think I am attractive. There is just NO way. She is perfection. I'm merely a below average chunky 30 something. There just is NO comparison.

Now comes the guilt and the head banging. Why do I allow all this self hatred and hate talk? I would never stand for one of my children to talk like this, so why is it okay for me to?

When I'm looking at old pictures of my teenager, he gets all embarassed because he's so chubby, has chipmunk cheeks, and some of the most horrifically crooked teeth ever seen. And I can't help but cry sweet tears as I look at his precious beautiful face, he is perfection. I don't see what he sees, I see him through eyes of pure love and adoration.
I imagine that this is the way God sees me. I stare in the mirror with disgust all while God is looking down and viewing his perfect masterpiece. Oh if only for one minute I were able to look at me through God's eyes and see what he sees. Then maybe I could learn to accept this physical shell that I have been given.

I really need to realize that I am worth more than the number on the scale, than the size on the tag of my clothes, than the lumps and bumps and curves of my body. I promise to work on this. I am a child of the King...and he is enthralled with my beauty and I shall honor Him. (Psalm 45:11)

Being MOM

I remember when I was younger when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was a corporate executive. I didn't really know WHAT that meant, I just knew I wanted to wear suits and work in the tallest building in downtown Houston. In my group of girlfriends, I was the one that said having kids wouldn't happen for many many years. I couldn't imagine being a mom. But God had different plans. At 18, I learned I was going to be a mom. Not exactly ideal timing, during my first sememster in college, but oh how God knew exactly what would make my life AMAZING! Oh it wasn't easy, and it still isn't. Chaston and I have literally grown up together. He is such a great cool kid. One of the funniest, wittiest, annoying boys I've ever known. Today he says he wants to be an opthomologist when he grows up...and of course being in the ministry in some capacity. I enjoy watching him grow every day in wisdom, stature, and in favor with both God and men. Almost 11 years later, our two person family grew to three when Coby Dean joined in the fun. Again, this was not easy, but what a joy it has been. Coby is so funny, energetic, and definitely keeps me on my toes. I can not wait to see what he decideds to do and be as he gets bigger. Being a mom has been the most enjoyable and challenging task that God has called me to in my life. And I have to say that it is the one thing in life that I KNOW I excel at. Sure I say the wrong things, lose my patience at inopportune times, but for the most part, I kinda rock at this. I am their biggest fan, biggest supporter, and strive to be their hero. I hope they see how hard I try to be just what they need me to be. How did I get to be such a great mom?? Well, easy answer...I had the best role model...MY mom! She's my first phone call when I have questions or concerns or funny kid stories to share. I couldn't have accomplished all that I have, raised these amazing kids, and continue to be a working mom without her. Thanks mom! Love you! So to all the moms out there...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! Enjoy your day and hug those babies tight.

Un-band related...or band unrelated

Whatever you want to call it. LOL!

This post has absolutely NOTHING to do with the band. It's about me cleaning my bathroom floor. And while this normally wouldn't be a very exciting topic, it's exactly the kind of thing I would want to find on Pinterest. Soooo...I thought, why shouldn't I put it on there?!

I am a hairspray addict. I spray my hair before I style it, while I'm styling it, after I style it, after I get dressed...and sometimes run back in the house for one more spritz...or 4.

This has caused some major buildup of hair products on my bathroom floor. One day I tried to scrub it with one of those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. That didn't work all that great.

So I hit up google...I mean, when all else fails, right? Several articles suggested acetone. I poured a capful of fingernail polish remover on the floor just to see what it would do, and it worked! But with no ventilation or an open window, that wouldn't get very far. Another site said, shampoo. Well, isn't that a novel idea?? Use shampoo to clean up hair styling products!!

I bought some clarifying, deep cleansing shampoo. Poured some in a spray bottle, added some warm water and shook it up. Sprayed it on the floor and let it sit for a few minutes. After scrubbing with a sponge for a few more minutes....VOILA! Floor looked good as new.

I'm just a wee bit embarassed that I didn't realize just how awful my floor looked. But now I know the secret to cleaning my floor...SHAMPOO!

Another Band-iversary is here!

Someone just asked me what the date was today and I said January 12th. I thought that date sounded important and then it dawned on me...it's my Band-iversary!

I know I just posted a couple weeks ago so I won't bore you all with my band/weight struggles. Although I would like a pat on the back, a gold star, AND a high five: I haven't had fast food in TEN days! I do believe this deserves a round of applause. And I'm being serious. :)

Two years...my how time flies when you're having fun...and boy are we having fun!

I have changed over the past year. I finally faced the fact that I was suffering from severe depression and I wasn't going to come out of it without some help. I found a wonderful psychologist that I see every 2 weeks. She really challenges me. I have to tell her all the things I'm going to do for the next 2 weeks to ensure I don't get swallowed in the "Black Pit" and then I have to report to her. She has forced me to step out of my comfort zone and realize if I don't make changes, NOTHING will CHANGE.

I joined a gym (which reminds me...my membership lapsed this month and I Need to renew). I don't turn down invitations. I go out with friends and actually have FUN. I go to movies by myself. I've become addicted to all things relaxing and pampering (pedicures, massages, facials, etc). I actually TALK to my kids and play with them. I have cooked more in the past year than I have in the 2 years previously COMBINED. I wear red lipstick. I am good. Really good.

Change...change is good. And while I might pout about not being as thin as I'd like to be, still single, still struggling sometimes with life...well, you know what? I am a strong amazing woman...just like God wants me to be.

HAPPY SECOND BANDIVERSARY TO ME! And just to remind myself of what 2 years can do...

2012 is MY year!

Next week will be 2 years since I started this journey, when I had my surgery. What a crazy eye opening experience! I have learned so much about myself and I MUST make some changes.

Reading back over my past blogs, I've done alot of making promises to change, whining that I can't do it, making excuses. I'm ashamed. I'm nothing but alot of talk and hot air.

I was pouting and havin one big pity party the other night. Thinking about how yet another year has passed and I'm still single and still overweight and now I'm brunette! EEK! lol...okay, so the brunette thing isn't that bad, it's just a change. :)

Two years ago, I was on a full liquid diet for FOUR weeks! Then I ate nothing but tuna and crab salad, greek yogurt, fish, veggies, cut out fast food, drank tons of water and logged all the fat and protein intake. Guess what?? I LOST WEIGHT! Imagine that!

Last year I started making some pretty bad choices...sodas, fast food, binging...etc. And something that only 3 people know: I am also being treated for lap band induced bulimia. Nice, huh? This is when I eat the wrong things and eat so much of it that it makes me throw up. I haven't lost weight because I can keep super sugary things down, but it has taken it's toll on me physically. My hair loss and breaking is one of them. My skin breaks out. My nails are splitting and breaking. Constant heartburn. And then there is the fear that my band will slip. If this happens, this means more surgery and possible band removal. I can't let that happen!

Sooooo....what to do? What to do? CHANGE! Go back to what works. What I put in my mouth is MY choice. No one is holding me down forcing that Mexican pizza and onion rings and french fries down my throat. I am the one going out and buying it. NO MORE!

Today was a grocery trip to stock back up on the foods that helped me succeed. Tonight is a trip to Casa Ole with the boys. Tomorrow is a brand new start. No more beating myself up for the poor choices I made in the past.

The other thing that must change is my self hatred and self disgust. I lost 80 pounds in 2010. I gained 30 pounds in 2011. I need to see that I am still 50 pounds lighter than I was to begin with!! And just like my hair color does not define me...neither does my weight. I have a pretty bad habit of having these massive pity parties where I just sit on the couch and cry about being fat and lonely. PHOOEY! get over it Chrysta! I almost let this keep me home New Year's Eve. My friend texted me and told me to get over myself, slap on my Spanx and let's roll! Couldn't argue with that. I let loose and had a great time!

When I choose to focus on the negative, what good will come of that? God don't make mistakes...every time I think about being fat and single and alone...well, I'm kinda saying God is wrong, and we all know that's not right!

I am an amazing mother, a good friend, witty, cute, smart, great credit score (lol), and have a knack for finding some gorgeous shoes at great prices. I am more than my jean size and whatever number is on my scale.

So 2012 is a new year...why not a new me? Well, not really a NEW me...maybe just an improved version. :)

My first goal...No shopping for 15 pounds. This means no purchasing shoes, clothes, purses, jewelry for myself until I lose 15 pounds. If you know me, even a little bit, you would know that this is major. This means until I lose 15 pounds, I might actually have to wear all the clothes I curently have in my closet. OH MY! lol! I'll be thinking about my next goal as I strive to reach the first. Feel free to post an idea for me if you have one.

Whew! Glad to get all that off my chest. Now...here we go. 2012....BRING IT ON!