So all that talk about how I'm going to eat healthy and not gain much of the weight back and I'm in control...well that was just a load of hogwash. I tried low carb, like super low carb, less than 20 grams a day. Uh, that's hard...and expensive. Especially when you're also trying to feed 2 very picky, hungry boys. I did it for a few weeks with no results, other than gaining weight. So I just decided to do portion control, just not go hog wild and eat everything in site. Still bringing my home made salads for lunch, my protein shakes for breakfast...still gaining weight.
This is an absolutely amazing phenomenon to me. I lost about 60 pounds in 7 months. I've gained 50 in 2. Seriously. Not kidding. I started off this year in a size 16, was in an 8 when I had my LB removed at the end of June, back up to a 14. That fast. I am seriously gaining weight while I sleep, and breathe, and blink. I work out 3-4 times a week and this is doing nothing for me. My dad says I need to eat less or exercise more. I could exercise more, but who wants to do that? And eat less? Yeah, I could do that too.
What is my freaking problem? I think I'm just genetically predisposed to being fat. And I'm not okay with that, but can't spend hours in the gym and can't put the junk food down.
And why can't I be ok with being fat? With being obese? Why can't I accept me for WHO I am...not what I LOOK like...not for what size dress I wear?
And every day I notice little comments people make, or don't make. I used to hear every day how awesome I look, how thin I'm getting. Now I get comments like, "You look healthy today." HEALTHY? To me, that's someone saying I've filled out, put on some weight. Thanks for pointing that out! Or my favorite...I mentioned I had been cooking and someone said, "Really, 'cause it looks like you've been eating." I was stunned, especially since it was in a room full of people. You could feel the air get sucked out of the room. They tried to cover for him since I was brushing crumbs off my hand, that's what he meant. Doesn't matter, I will twist it to fit my sick little brain that thinks all comments are somehow directed at me being fat.
And I'm so self conscious. If people just look at me, I just know they're evaluating how much weight I've gained. They're thinking, "Oh, there's go Chrysta getting fat again."
I hate that I had the LB removed. Hate it. I felt like crap, but darn it, I looked good. Sheesh! What is wrong with my brain?! One of the reasons I had it taken out was my boyfriend hated how sick I was...that we couldn't have a meal together, I was always feeling tired. Whoops...lost the boyfriend. Now I'm fat and single. Just how I started this year. Amazing. Fantastic.
I have another follow up with Dr. Dean on Oct. 11. He seems to think that me checking in with him will help me keep a good weight. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I will be scheduling my surgery for the sleeve during that appointment.
This is not where you preach to me YOUR way of eating. YOUR lifestyle. Don't want to hear it. Don't need to hear it. Don't waste your breath. This is me and this is how I'm going to do it.
Bitter? Angry? Me? Nah....just being honest. I promised I would keep this blog real, that I would be honest about how this process is working out for me, not working out for me. The highs, the lows. And this is it. This is me. All 190 pounds of me.
