Sigh...

I just ate lunch. It was yummy. I want more. I can't eat more. I'm sad. So silly. That is all.

fair

I get that God didn't promise us life would be fair...but just once, maybe...just MAYBE something could go our way. Maybe...

Addiction

It's been rough lately. Take tonight for instance...I had 1 baby carrot, 1 bite of broccoli/cheese casserole, 1 shrimp, and 2 bites of tilapia. That's it. And I feel like I could puke! This morning I opened my refrigerator door and had 5 boxes of leftovers. I go out to eat and can't eat 1/3 of my meal...and then I get super super ticked off. At first I found this funny, that I would get mad when I got full. I mean, this is what I paid for right? What I wasn't prepared for was the actual emotions I would have when I can't eat.

So I've been checking out my lapband.com message board and it seems to be a common issue. Yes, I am a food addict. I am addicted to something that is not only legal, it is necessary to sustain my life. It's like telling an alcoholic, he must drink every day, but ONLY 1 tiny sip four or five times a day. It seems a bit drastic to compare my food issues to something so life altering as being an alcoholic. But this is seriously how I feel and what I am dealing with on a daily basis. One of the things offered to us bandsters is a monthly support group meeting, but I have yet to go. I have to find someone to talk to about this. Someone that would understand what I'm dealing with.

Again, you may think I'm being melodramatic, but this mental thing I'm going through has not been fun.

I have lost nothing in about a month. Still not working out, still have all the excuses and all the stress and all the laziness.

Going Backwards

Soooo...I don't even know how to start. I guess it's confession time. This is why I started this blog: so I could have a place to go and vent and celebrate.

I'm falling back into some pretty bad habits. Unnecessary snacking, sneak eating, eating til it hurts...the usual. Why? I have no idea. Wait...maybe I do.

I've always said, I'm not an emotional eater. "I don't eat when I'm happy/sad/angry/stressed...I just eat b/c I like food." Well...I have to admit, I do believe I'm an emotional eater.

Over the past month, I have faced some serious stressors and even some straight up slaps to the face. I'm exhausted and spiraling into a depression. As I put the empty carton of ice cream down tonight, I just stared at it and got MAD! In about 15 minutes I ate a pint of ice cream! WHAT?!?!

What am I doing?!?! Why am I hellbent on sabotaging myself? This is RIDICULOUS! I have got to start logging my food and making good smart choices again. If there's nothing else in my life I can control...I can control what I put in my mouth.

So here I go again....gonna do this RIGHT!

I'm just sayin....

41 pounds! YIPPEE!! My minigoal was to lose 42 pounds by my birthday. Well, that was yesterday and I fell just 1 pound short. I am NOT going to beat myself up about it at all! I'm feeling grrrreat, not just physically...I feel better self esteem wise too. It's all paying off. I still get mad when I get full though. LOL!

Next week, I will be heading to Curves to start working out. This will only push me even further in my goal. I'm super excited and know that only good things are coming.

I'm just kinda using this blog to show off if you don't mind. I'm lookin kinda cute if I say so myself. ;)

Just checking in...

Nothing much to report. Down about 38 pounds, and still trucking right along. I got my third fill the other day and can really tell a difference. I usually sit and nibble on some Goldfish Crackers with Coby in the evenings...not anymore! After just a small handful, I can fill they start getting a little stuck. I knew the day would come when yummy carbs like bread, crackers, and such would be painful and out of the question...here I am. But it's weird because it's not like that all the time. For the most part I have to be really careful how I eat. It's challenging.

When I went to get my fill this week, it was the first time to see my surgeon since the day of surgery. When I walked in, he said, "You're looking good, girl!" Now, he might say that to all his patients, but I'm taking it! LOL! And the girls fawned over me and my accessories and acted like my BFFs. Treating me as a person, rather than a number is so important through this process. They did remind me that in just 12 more pounds I will get to go get a complimentary mani, pedi, or facial at their spa. That's something to look forward to! The doctor encouraged me to start working out...something I have all the best intentions of doing...I just haven't. This is where I could list all my excuses, but they're really not good ones. I would lose so much faster and would tone up considerably. I just need to get off my hiney and do it!

Another thing the Bariatric Center is doing is having a "Clean out your closet" sale on Saturday May 22 from 9-12. This gives us a chance to sell our stuff that we've "undergrown." I have soooo much that I'm ready to part with. What's bad is all the clothes that I've either worn only once (maybe twice) or never even worn! My mom and Ashley are coming with me to help, so if nothing else, it'll be fun!

So I leave you all with this note from Coby:

jttfjggjfffffjzjjjjjjjjjjjtfrfrtresdddddddddddddddddd

***Translation: MY MOM ROCKS!

:)

Frustrated

Okay...so you had to know the happy and optimistic posts would have to one day give way to a sour frustrated one. Well, here it is.

I'm down 32.2 pounds. Which is great, right? But one of my loves is shopping. I love to shop. Well, not anymore! I have no idea what size I am anymore. Hardly anything fits right! Plus sizes are really getting to baggy on me, but Misses sizes are just way too small, WAY too small. So it's not even like I'll be in the Misses until I lose another 15-20 pounds.

I go into a store and LOVE the clothes. Start grabbing the pretty floral dresses, cute denim skirts, springy tees. Then I get to the fitting room and one by one, I'm flinging them off in a fit. I leave the fitting room totally frustrated and near tears.

I just keep pulling up the pictures from my previous blog and looking at those, hoping to get my spirits up and KNOW that so far I've been pretty successful.

Who would have thought that losing weight would be this much of a downer?

:)